Navigate's Life Journal

Defining Demetrius

2012-02-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

Scripture:

At that time a great disturbance erupted about the Way. There was a silversmith named Demetrius. . . The city was thrown into turmoil. They rushed as one into the theater. . . Meanwhile, the assembly was in a state of confusion. Some shouted one thing, others shouted something else, and most of the crowd didn’t know why they had gathered. Acts 19:23-24, 29-32

Observation

This winter I traveled to Santa Cruz for a meeting. (YES! I DID work.) Obviously the famous boardwalk did not get the memo that I was coming, and chose to keep their midwinter schedule; No roller coasters or side shows for Jill. So I settled for mexican food and a drive.

I was cruising along, rockin' the Hyundai, when I saw the local version of "Occupy Wallstreet" in front of the Santa Cruz court house. These were not the New York' dedicated brand of protesters. Nope. This was the kinder, gentler version; Cut offs, flip flops, long flowing hair, beach chairs, hemp jewelry and a HOT DOG STAND (not kidding) were the fate these youngsters had to bear for the cause. Their die hard, sitting in tents, wool blankets and stocking hat brethern in NYC may have found this suffering for the cause ....well... NOT suffering. As I drove I pondered if, after the MJ cloud had cleared, these Santa Cruz students, so far from wall street and yet expressing solidarity, would be able to tell me WHAT they were protesting. What was "Occupy Wall Street" all about anyway?

Everybody loves a good cause, especially if it is their own. The originators of the message, whatever it was, had a passion to ignite discussion and chose this as their venue to be heard. In Acts we see one of the first examples of "Occupy", led by Demetrius. Demetrius obviously felt he and his fellow artisans had been wronged. He sought to restore justice.

What most intrigues me about this story is the last part of the passage. "

Some shouted one thing, others shouted something else, and most of the crowd didn’t know why they had gathered," Somehow in between the origin, Demetrius, to it's destination, the crowd, the message got lost.

I sincerely hope this doesn't happen with the Message we share; the message of God's love. What part can I play in keeping the integrity of the message in "tact" even when I am not the speaker? I just want to know that God's message doesn't become like the party game of "gossip", passed on from one to another until the original message is not even present.

Application

Be clear, Be concise, be consistent!

Prayer
Lord, help me to trust that your Holy Spirit will go before me and keep the message of Love intact.

Reminder to the minions

2012-01-24T08:25:00.000-08:00

Scripture:
The Lord answered Moses, "See I have made you like God to Pharaoh, ..." Exodus 7:1

Observation
I once heard of a daddy that used to tell his kids as they were leaving the house "remember you represent me wherever you go today". He was reminding them that he didn't want his name tarnished. There are times when I want to remind my minions of that. I want to remind them to cherish their father's good name and keep his reputation in tact by their actions.

God was saying this to Moses! "Remember, Moses. You represent me. Don't forget".

Sheesh. What a daunting task! To be known as the one who represents God. Oh. Wait. I think I have the same task.

Application
I want to represent Jesus well in all I do.

Prayer
Dear Jesus - help me to keep your name and reputation "intact"with my actions and words.

Burning with Questions

2012-01-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

Scripture:
Then the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire within a bush. As Moses looked, he saw that the bush was on fire but was not consumed. Exodus 3:2

Observation
We live in an era where there are still living survivors of the World War II holocaust and the atrocities it held. However, the first hand evidence of that war are dwindling. The fight to preserve the actual happenings is active since there are some who would like to say the events didn't actually happen. Fortunately, as long as there are survivors it will be impossible to disprove. What happens after that? The pictures will be said to be doctored by photoshop, memoirs will be called fiction and history books will be discredited by being called "biased". How then will we know for certain that the Jewish nation suffered so greatly and was almost exterminated? What proof will we have?

In a similar sense it feels like some of conversations about God are like this! People want to see with their eyes, they want FIRST HAND knowledge, available to all their senses, that God is real. They want a "burning bush". Well, don't we all want such a vivid first hand evidence that the God of the Bible is who HE says he is? Of course we do. So, does that first hand knowledge exist past those who were there when Jesus was alive? How do we KNOW and SEE God?

I think I see God in many moments of my day. He is reflected in my children's eyes of joy, his presence is alive families that are renewed, and many times we have seen our answers to prayer fulfilled miraculously. However, even when God does give us a bush, like bills getting paid unexpectedly, children's health sustaining, finding love in unexpected place etc. etc. we try our damnedest to explain those things away. We work harder to disprove God than we do to acknowledge Him. What would happen if we looked at the world from the other side; the side where say "Thanks" to God for what we have, rather than working desperately to find another source to give credit.

Application
I will give thanks to God for the things he does around me. I will acknowledge that what I have comes from Him, with gratitude.

Prayer
Lord, thank you for all you do and have done for me.

Cue the music

2011-11-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

Scripture:

May the Lord cause you to increase and enrich your love for each other and for everyone in the same way as we also love you. May the Lord cause your hearts to be strengthened, to be blameless in holiness before our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his people. Amen

I Thess. 3:14,15

Observation

As long as I don't have to sing, dance or act in musicals I'm a big fan of them; both on stage and on screen. My favorites include White Christmas, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Oklahoma, Annie, Miss Saigon, and, it goes without saying, The Sound of Music.

One of the distinctives of a musical are the dramatic entrance and exits. In contrast to real life, music carves the path for the actors to move easily in and out of scenes, greeting or waving farewell. I have yet to have entrance music when I walk in the doors of my house or have soft lilting violins wave me out of my driveway. Although I think the minions should work on this. A little music, soft fans and nice lighting when I entered would make me feel appreciated. I digress.

Musical interludes give nice pause in the midst of the story to express feeling, sentiment and love. In my own way I love to do this with our community, Navigate. When we leave one another's company, every time, I pass on a scripture or reading that I want to linger in our hearts as we transition back into the busyness and potential harshness of our lives. These words are like the last little morsels of a delicious dessert, meant to be savored and remembered. We call these tidbits a "blessing".

In my reading today I find one of these little delectable pieces. Paul gives his blessing; his hopes and wishes for the Church, to the people of Thessalonica. I love it. I intend to pass it on this week.

Cue the violins.

Application

I want to remember to bless those whom I love with words of wisdom, love and scriptural integrity.

Prayer

Thank you Lord for blessing my life and help me to pass this on to others.

The fabric of the ordinary.

2011-11-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

Observation

Growing up in a protestant tradition meant we didn't celebrate Advent in the same way our mainline/liturgical friends did. While I am trying to recoup this tradition for our own faith community I still find it difficult to wrap words around describing why this is important for us to recognize this season. However, today an epiphany, or a small idea over-inflated by my own self importance, occurred to me.

While watching the performance of the Nutcracker Ballet this afternoon I was caught off guard by one particular face. It was the rather plain face of a local ballerina I have seen many times at the ballet school. She is not a lovely girl and I would guess her in the upper regions of her 20's. She is not exceptionally slender or well formed like the willowy teens she practices with every week. I have observed her personality to be bleak and pinched like her rather pointed nose. Her unconfident eyes skip from person to person, daring them to speak to her and see if she will crumble on her sturdy legs. However, I admire her she works hard. Very hard. Every class. Her hard work earned her a spot in this lovely ballet.

Today I watched her dance. Right before my eyes she was transformed into beauty, surrounded by loveliness. Her form was graceful. Her moves strong and serene. She was absorbed into the fabric of the dance, becoming one of it's loveliest fibers. I never would have guessed she could be this beautiful.

Our days of the week, all year, every year, drag on. One day, blends into the next with only minor distinctions of various celebrations and happenings to diversify one from the other. However, when Advent comes around it is as if we shine the spotlight on every day, recognizing each one as a celebration of our Lord Jesus. We make it beautiful, lovely, and brilliant - as if we are daring the days of advent to blend into the background of the year gone by. What seemed like an ordinary day or month becomes transformed by the beauty of the season, highlighted and underscored by our worship and recognition.

Celebrate Advent! Explore the beauty of seeing an ordinary day become a beautiful celebration.

Advent. Celebrating the arrival of a king; an ordinary who also became beautiful.

Sodium Shock

2011-11-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

Scripture:

"You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its saltiness, how will it become salty again? It's good for nothing except to be throw away and trampled under people's feet. You are the light of the world. A city on top of the hill can't be hidden." Matthew 5:13,14

Observation

I like Mortons. The blue paper canister featuring the girl with the umbrella. It's my salt of choice.

One of the staple foods in our house is popcorn. It is the "go to" snack of choice. I prefer it with real butter and a skiff of salt. Scraping the last bit of salty butter off the bottom of the bowl is like the cherry on top of the sundae. Awesome. The children love microwave popcorn, preferring to lick the salt and pseudo butter off the ripped up paper bag. Some people LOVE theater popcorn with it's liquid chemical butter and flavor. (Not me. It gives me gas.) No matter the preferred type of popcorn there is one thing ALL popcorn must have - SALT. The whole treat is decidedly bland and unappealing without salt. It is the difference between "ho-hum" and "ho-YUMM-e"! Ok that was lame, but point made.

I was raised on this verse, with the idea of the church needing to be "salt" in the world. What I understood was those in the church was to be different somehow from everybody else. The collective of people called "the Church", across miles and nations, was to function in the same capacity as sodium, as an agent of preservation, flavor and distinction.

Something has happened. That brand of "Salt" is no longer desirable. Most would rather not be identified with the church, preferring an individualist approach to religion instead. Why is that?

Is it possible that what has been offered, the salt/distinction of people who declare themselves Jesus followers, has become diluted? Authenticity has been compromised and called into question. Our friends and neighbors are no longer sure if they are getting a real Jesus follower or one that just talks about it when it is convenient, advantageous or the cultural norm.

So, should individuals or churches label ourselves "without dilution", much like gas stations who offer gas without ethanol now post reassurances that our fuel is 100% fuel? I don't think so.

For my part I think I will just keep following Jesus, as closely as I can, and let the culture define whether or not I am authentic. They will know. However, at the end of the day I really don't care whether people judge me to be real or not. I care only that my Jesus understands the true heart and intent of who I am.

Application

I believe that people crave authenticity so I'm going to be that. It's the best and only way I know how to show Jesus effectively.

Prayer
Jesus help me to be authentically you.

Focus Fail

2011-11-17T16:24:00.000-08:00

Scripture:

We don't focus on the things that can be seen but on the things that can't be seen. The things that can be seen don't last, but the things that can't be seen are eternal. II Corinthians 4:18

Observation:

The other day I nearly threw my good DSLR camera THROUGH my third story office window, with a lit stick of dynamite and a "good ridance" note attached to it. This can only mean one thing. Yes. "My name is Jill and I'm a photographer." (faint echo heard ..... "hi Jill")

Random thought: Why is it the inanimate tools of our passion (i.e. golf clubs, cameras, guitars, power tools) often receive the brunt of our anger at our imperfections, even though the failed results are clearly the carbon based owners' fault?

One of the major issues I have with photography is "focus". It feels like there are way too many times when the object I am focusing on is just OUT of focus, or soft, as photogs call it. Most frustrating,some random trash can or wilted leaf is focused, crisp and sharp. Why? My focus is wrong. While I'd like to blame it on the camera I can't. It's clearly my fault and inattention to detail. Another problem is that sometimes when everything is a single color, like a blue sky, solid color sweater, all green grass etc., the autofocus on my camera will zoom zoom in and out, in and out, looking for something to specific concentrate it's sensor on. If I just shift a few inches I will be able to focus on the correct object, rather than the nothingness I am trying to make into something.

Focus is challenging. But the thing is, I am not looking through the lens just for a point of focus. I am looking for the whole picture, the STORY. Maybe the story isn't about all the children, but in the youngest child/toddler that just stuck her tongue out of me? The story could be more about the mommy who is lovingly watch me take pictures of the baby, rather than the baby herself. Perhaps the story is not just another family in front of my lens but the fact that this might be the last picture they have together, due to the child's catastrophic illness. There is always a story. Always. My job is just to make sure that I have my focus right so I can capture it clearly. Nothing is more distracting than a slightly out of focus picture.

Why would the Apostle Paul challenge me to look at what is "unseen"? How can I focus on that? He is telling us to look beyond the specific objects, people, events and circumstances that are surrounding us. Paul is encouraging us to look at the whole STORY. The story of Jesus is constantly unfolding in front of us and it is easy to get distracted by all the stuff; so much so that we don't see that it is bigger than just what we see. He is encouraging us to focus on the eternal/internal things!

Well, Paul would confuse the hell out of us as a photography instructor. "Focus on the unseen" doesn't work as a photographer instruction but it does as a life admonition. I am listening.

Prayer:

Dear Jesus. I know I am tempted to look at life through my own "lens", focusing on things that are easy to see. But I want you to help me "see" the things through your lens; your eyes. I'm listening.

Can it. I am well preserved!

2011-11-14T23:03:00.000-08:00

Scripture:
Because the Lord is pleased with his people God will beautify the poor with saving help. Psalms 149:4

Observation
I gummed these words, "beautify the poor", around in my brain like an old woman trying to digest a difficult dinner. The verse didn't make sense to me. Then I remembered a journal I had written a while ago. Let me share. I think it fits.

We were poor. Because of the lack of money and food I remember working together as a family to “gather” food. Many warm summer days found us following behind the machines in the Spokane valley. We were gleaning the green beans, cucumbers and strawberries that were either too small or unfit for others to consume or sell. Even though I hated those hot dirty fields, participation in this hunt was not optional. This food was necessary to our sustainability.

However, it was another source of food that I found most unsavory. We had a friend who owned a big flat-bed trailer. He would go through the grocery store dumpsters and retrieve "used-to-be-fresh produce", deemed unfit for sale and therefore tossed out by a grocer obligated to sell only “perfect” specimens. He would take these rejects, place them on his big flatbed truck and bring them to us.

When the rotted, spoiled food arrived a flurry of activity followed. Because the decomposition of the food had already begun we were on a race against time to clean and preserve it. The fruit had to have the “bad” parts cut off. Bad parts? The rotted, brown, mushy worm eaten parts were just “bad”? REALLY? Like removing that worm made the whole thing "good"? Disgusting. Truly. I hated the thought of eating food pre-sampled by slimy worms.

Once the produce looked like it had been surgically processed by a blindfolded 3 year old with a dull machete, it was cleaned and the preserving process began. Canning. This was a tedious, lengthy process of boiling, seasoning and sealing all of those hot jars to preserve the salvaged goodness. I spent many hours in the kitchen counting the “pop” of the jar lids to make sure each one sealed properly.

In our rustic cement basement that smelled of firewood and fear I loved to look at the colorful jars of canning on the shelves. I hate to admit it, but they were beautiful. AND I’ll be the first to admit that nothing beats homemade pickles, applesauce, peaches, strawberry jam etc.

Preservation. I wonder sometimes if I was preserved like all of that produce. Did the bad parts of my childhood, the hunger, the neglect, the abuse get (eventually) cut away, leaving the good to be preserved, useful for the sustenance of others? Did God in his foreknowledge understand that some decay of human kindness needfully exist in my life so that I might be rescued and others find life and a future through my story?

I welcome and warm at the thought that my poorly protected history should help others see a hope for a future that is better than the day they currently exist in. However, most days, all I see are those huge bruises, gaping holes and mealy worms in my life that seem to spoil the whole possibility of the goodness of God or the potential of love and goodness in this spoiled fruit.

Prayer
Lord, Thank you for preserving me. Thank you for making me beautiful in your eyes. I feel loved.

I'm back . . . stay tuned.

2011-11-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

Hiatus: an interruption in time or continuity: a period when something is suspended or interruped.

Slacker: a person who shirks work or obligation:

Thanks to all of you who have missed the blogging! I am determined to get back in the swing of things. This week. You heard it here first. Tell all your friends.

Eyes that feel

2011-10-04T15:38:00.000-07:00

Scripture:

One day the Pharisees asked Jesus, "When will the kingdom of God come?" Jesus replied, "The Kingdom of God can't be detected by visible signs. You won't be able to say "Here it is! or 'It's over there!' For the Kingdom of God is already among you."

Observation:

"I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love,
even when there's no one there.
And I believe in God,
even when he is silent."

These are words found written by a jewish prisoner on the walls of a Nazi concentration camp.

This is a person who, in the direst of circumstances, still KNEW that God existed. Not because there was any proof, or physical evidence inside those horrid prison walls, but because he God himself.

My baby niece was recently born. She is a teeny preemie, perfect in every way. She is just little and still doing some of the developing that is most ideally done in-utero. As I watch the progress of her growth and development I think one moment has amazed me the most. When finally given the opportunity to be skin to skin with her mommy and feed, instead of by tube, she instantly recognized her mother's smell, touch and voice. She responded to that awareness by immediately turning and looking for food.

In a way I want to have deep intimacy with Jesus kind of like that. I want to instinctually know that He is there. I want to recognize His voice and presence even when I don't see it, like that jewish prisoner. The Pharisees had God himself, in the form of Jesus, in their very midst and yet they couldn't recognize Him. I think it is because they didn't really know him at all. There was no way their eyes could have recognized Him, because their hearts did not yet know him.

Prayer:

Every day Lord, I determine to be with you; In your presence, so on the days when I don't feel you I still know you are there. Give me a heart that sees you even when my eyes don't.

It's not about the feathered wall!

2011-09-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
All of the people shouted with praise to the Lord because the foundation of the Lord's house had been laid. But many of the older priests and Levites and heads of families, who had seen the first house wept aloud when they saw the foundation of this house, although many others shouted loudly with joy. No one could distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of the people's weeping because the people rejoiced very loudly. The sound was heard at a great distance. Ezra 3:11-13

Observation
Have you seen some of those home makeover shows? Even though the participants willingly volunteer their homes to be redone, sometimes the transformation isn't well received. They find they really, really liked the "old" way their home was. Regret parks itself, like an easy chair, right next to their newly feathered or neon striped wall. The people of Jerusalem, as recorded in Ezra, were confronted with an "Extreme Makeover" of their "home", their temple.

I am finding that opening a new church is a little like the rebuilding of the temple in Jerusalem. Just as some of the Israelites were disappointed with the new look of their temple, there are those who are disappointed with the different style of church we are starting. They remember what church used to look like, what it felt like, and the type of people who attended. For their lifetimes they have rested comfortably on a bed stuffed with habit and tradition and a different model is like the pea in the princesses bed. It just doesn't set right. So, internally, and sometimes in their out loud voices, they weep because they fear the temple/church they love, is lost in the glitter of something new. They feel loss.

However, some people are THRILLED. They get excited and shout their excitement at finding a new foundation, a community that fits them. They shout loudly and my voice is the loudest! Every chance I get I tell people about what Jesus is doing in me, through me, and for me, as the leader of the Navigate community. Many like seeing a new foundation in their midst. It says something is growing.

At the end of the day there are some things to remember. First of all, it is not our church. It is God's church and we are honored to serve His people; with love, grace, forgiveness and community. Secondly, no matter the shape or size of the foundation, it is made of the same materials. It is built upon the desire to share Jesus with people who have not had the opportunity to know him. The origin, foundation and future are his.

My prayer is this. I pray the shouts of joy overwhelm the sounds of weeping. I also pray that the rejoicing at God's work, for any church, laid on the foundation of Jesus Christ, is heard at a great distance.

HEY! Scum! Sit by me!

2011-09-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Levi held a banquet with Jesus as the guest of honor. Many of Levi's fellow tax collectors and other guests also ate with them. But the pharisees and their teachers of religious law complained bitterly to Jesus' disciples, "Why do you eat and drink with such scum?" Luke 5:29,30

Observation

Mean Girls the movie. If you're a chick you'll admit to having seen it. If you're not, you won't.

I am a chick and one of my favorite scenes in the movie is where the students are explaining the map of the cafeteria, who sits where, to the new girl, Cady. There was a category for everybody! Girls who eat their feelings, jocks, cool asians, asian nerds, and angry black kids etc. etc.

Sometimes we categorize people without even knowing them. Just their appearance or who they happen to be around at the moment can solidify for us what category a person belongs in. I.E. which lunch table they belong at. As if this kind of profiling isn't bad enough we add insult to injury by not allowing people to self select nor change "table" when they want.

Why do we do that? My group of friends is eclectic and bizarre. They are lovely, sarcastic, funny, creative and studious. The last thing I would want is for somebody to judge my friend, because I love them.

Levi loved Jesus and invited him graciously to his house. Yet Jesus was judged for accepting the invitation and, his friend, Levi was called "scum". This is not the message of Jesus and it's not the message I want to send.

Application
I will check my own heart when I find myself judging somebody by the company they keep. I will love those who love my Jesus and those who don't - equally.

Prayer
Lord, help me to love freely as you have loved me.

A trio of two

2011-09-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
You are very entertaining to them, like someone who sings love songs with a beautiful voice or plays fine music on an instrument. They hear what you say, but they don't act on it! Ezekiel 33:32

Observation
It was my dream to be to soloist in the choir. I always wanted to be that girl with the microphone, inspiring the masses; singlehandedly brining about social reform with melodic words. Unfortunately I didn't have a great singing voice. The closest I got to that dream were a few small group bits in high school choir concerts. One winter I auditioned for and was granted a part in a trio. My two friends and I stood in our high school auditorium, each with our own microphone, singing happily for a crowd of concert weary parents.

As with all kids the only parent who mattered in the room was mine and I imagined her beaming proudly from her standard seat; left side of the room, near the aisle. However, as I was enjoying my spotlight moment I looked down and there she was. My mother. Sitting with her finger to her lips, signaling me to be "shhhhhh". I got the message and the song continued, without my harmony part. Apparently my entertainment and inspiration were out of tune.

Despite my failure to move the masses to tears of joy that night, I have always loved the stage, for speaking and music. Speaking in front of audiences is especially thrilling to me. However, the most gratifying thing of all is when people say God has inspired them through something I have said. To feel like I have made a quantitative difference in a life somehow validates and encourages me in my quest to share Jesus. But for every person who see life change I know there are dozens more who aren't able to absorb my words or the heart of God.

I'm kind of like that with God. He often speaks to me through the Bible and other people. Frequently I feel "entertained" or "inspired" but not enough to do anything or "act" on that inspiration. At some point I hope I grow up enough to recognize that God isn't for my entertainment value. His words are for me to consume AND act on.

Application
I will hear God's words AND act on them.

Wetting my pants in Willis

2011-09-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Go, inspect the city of Jerusalem. Walk around and count the many towers. Take note of the fortified walls and tour all the citadels, that you may describe them to future generations. For that is what GOd is like. He is our GOd forever and ever and he will guide us until we die. Psalms 48:12-14

Observation
This winter I had the opportunity to go to the Sears Tower. (I know. The name changed but it's still the Sears tower to me. Who is Willis anyway?) Let me explain to you. I am afraid of heights and I am claustrophobic. These were important details to me but clearly not to Kyle, who shoved me into an elevator with 80 other people to go 103 stories into the air, traveling in a box the size of a refrigerator, at the impressive speed of a glacier on a dead run.

So we find ourselves standing 1353 feet in the air with am impressive view of Chicago, while the BUILDING gently sways in the breeze. Not my favorite moment. So, I shoved my rain coat down my pants to avoid leakage lest I wet my pants and toured the observation deck. Since I was there I figured I would go for broke, dead or both, and stepped into the clear glass observation boxes that are suspended off the side of the building allowing you to look STRAIGHT down on the buildings below. Good forethought on the rain gear. I stood there only long enough to take a picture.

This is what I refer to as the "Bird's eye" view. When I look at my life from this kind of dizzying height I see a couple of valleys, a few architectural life triumphs and hills that I have climbed successfully. On the horizon the sun is high in the sky (NOT SETTING) and I see blue skies and wonderful vistas with cruise boats and tropical beaches. Far in the distance I see lands where there are no children to do laundry for and clean up after. It is beautiful but the disadvantage of looking at life from this height is that nothing is clear or detailed. You have to be down on ground level to really see the details. I love ground.

In Psalm 48 the psalmist reminds the people to get down on ground level and inspect the city after the battle has been won! Count every brick that is still in place and check out the towers that had not been capitulated in the war. He is telling them to tell THIS to your children so they can remember what God is like. He reminds them to not spare the details or the little things that God has done. Rejoice in the triumph and then spread the story - the details.

I think he is saying that it is easy to see who won the battle but you can only see the expanse of the victory up close. Birds eye is nice but it will never tell the stories that can be told from the ground.

Application
I want to give my friends and family a front row, ground level view of my life so they can see the details of how God has triumphed over both the big and little.

Prayer
Lord help me to celebrate the victories in life and help me to pass on to my children the understanding of the battles you have helped me fight.

Turkey Platter Defender

2011-09-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Because you clapped and danced and cheered with glee at the destruction of my people, I will raise my fist of judgement against you. Ezekiel 25:6

Observation
I was in the middle of a huge thanksgiving food fight. Pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce were flying wildly through the air. All the food was flying towards ME! I seemed to be the singular target. Worse yet, nobody was protecting me or holding the turkey platter in front of me, making sure I didn't get slammed with flying pasta salad. Most unfortunate of all, everybody was laughing at me while egging each other on in trying to hit me with food. This is the stuff nightmares are made of. While this food fight, however epic it may have been, didn't actually happen, it is a simile for my life.

My husband adores me and my brother loves me deeply. I have a host of amazing friends and family around me. I am really really blessed. However, for a large part of my life I have felt undefended. I have felt like nobody "has my back". My husband has a family that worships him and would fight to the death on his behalf, but I'm not sure they would for me. My brother is rock solid and steady but we have had our falling outs and it makes me mildly soft shoed when it comes to confidence that he is always "in my corner". Friends are great but it is a rare friend that will truly stand with you when the shit hits the fan. So, who is my defender?

God speaks through Ezekiel to the enemy of Israel, Ammon, and puts the word out that HE is Israel's defender and protector. Did you notice that God says because Ammon cheered on the destruction of His people he would destroy them. Ammon wasn't even the perpetrator just the cheer club! But that matters little in God's balancing of guilt - if you go against His people He will destroy you.

There is a possessiveness, a warm embrace, when God says "HIS people". It is an emotional dividing line between those a person will die defending and those whom we care about. The cool part of this is that I am on the belonging side of that line because I chose to align myself with God. I belong. I have a defender.

Application
He died defending me and I commit my life to defending Him.

I'm so confused dang/darn/damn it!

2011-09-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

Put away from you a deceitful mouth And put devious speech far from you. New American Standard Bible
Avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech New Living Translation
Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. New International Version

Proverbs 4:23

I was raised in a home where the words fart, butt, and dang were strongly discouraged. Crap and gosh were cuss words, as were sheesh and darn.

My children can say all of those things but aren't allowed to say hell, ass, damn, shit or fuck.

I say all of those things but don't use the God, Jesus, or Christ as cuss words. Where is the line? Where does the Bible say to us about our speech? How much of it is culturally relevant and how do we know what is "appropriate"? As I was reading this proverb I was thinking about the rules for how I decide what words I use. Here is what I decided.

Know my audience! The last thing I want to do is offend somebody so I choose my words carefully as related to whom I am speaking.
Know my motivation! We consistently remind the children of the proverb that states "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". If my language or lack of control of it indicates that anger or some other sin is motivating and controlling my heart to the point that I no longer care about my audience (whoever is listening) then I certainly need to reign it in.
Know my need! Am I trying to bring attention to myself by my speech? If I am looking to get attention and therefore using words to gain it then I am pretty sure this means my motivation is screwed and needs a readjustment.
Know my mission! If my language is going to cause somebody else frustration or to view Jesus in a bad light then I need an overhaul. My mission is to advance the nature and mission of Jesus Christ, therefore if my language turns people away from Jesus then it is my responsibility to readjust it, not theirs, to get a grip. I don't have a right to offend people when a relationship with Jesus is at stake.

Prayer

Lord, give me wisdom to use my words in ways that are wise.

Social Skills are for suckers

2011-09-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Do not withhold good for those who deserve it when it is in your power to help them. If you can help your neighbor now, don't say "Come back tomorrow and then I'll help you." Proverbs 3:27,28

Observation
It is fortunate that I didn't go to kindergarten because I suspect they wouldn't have passed me. Don't get me wrong. I'm smart and academically accomplished. It's just those damn social skills! What I'm trying to say is I don't want to share. I'm good at a lot of things. That isn't one of them.

I'm selfish. Don't tell anybody because I don't want them to feel badly about me, but it's true. At least I feel that way! I give to people; money, time, resources, assistance etc. but I don't give easily. I have always wished I was one of those people who just LOVED to give and got tons of energy from helping others, but I struggle with that. When it comes right down to it, I care about my stuff, my family, and my life way more than I care about others.

Unfortunately the writer boomeranged me with my own words in Proverbs 3, "come back tomorrow". There have been times when either verbally or mentally I have said to somebody, just come back tomorrow and we'll fix you RIGHT UP, really hoping they would forget me.

I should stop that.

God has blessed me - it's time that I gave generously AND graciously.

Moving furniture with my heart

2011-08-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
I will take away their strong, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees. Ezekiel 11:19,20

Observation
I have a bad back; slipped and bulging discs in my lower vertebrae have rendered me "not free to move about the cabin" when it comes to lifting and athletics. I suspect my injuries came from my career as a furniture mover. Oh, yes. It was a successful career for a time. Here's how it started.

It is a little known fact but I am NOT a patient woman. When I get the urge to get something done the last thing I want to be told is "wait". So, when I decide I need to change the furniture around I'm not one to patiently wait for Kyle and his gang of thug friends to help me. Why? Because I am sure that I can do it MYSELF. So. I have hauled huge pieces of furniture up and down stairs, room to room, from the car into the house etc. I'm talking beds, dressers, bookshelves, freezers and more all by myself! See. I AM a professional mover. Kyle would love for me to have him help me, also a little known fact, I am a little stubborn.

Stubborness. I am confused by the phrase "stubborn to a fault". I like to paint the word "stubborn" with the tenacity and determination brush, not the one labeled "fault"!?

However, when God tells the prophet Ezekiel here that He will give the people a tender and responsive heart in PLACE of their stubborn one I see that he is contrasting stubbornness against something more desirable. I have to ask myself whether or not I really want to trade in the heart I have for the one He offers? "What's in it for me" my skeptical heart asks?!

If I am trading my stubborn nature in just so people think better of me or so I'm not seen as being so willful than forget it. But if losing stubbornness means I will be able to hear my Jesus easier, then it is worth giving it up.

I have given up moving the furniture but I'm still working on that stubborn heart.

Application
Today I will work on being less stubborn and more receiving of God's words to me.

Prayer
Jesus, not my will but yours. Please.

The colorless Oz

2011-08-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of you your unfailing love each morning for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk for I give myself to you. Psalms 143:4-8

Observation
Depression is one of the scariest situations I have been through; The feeling of drowning into yourself, the ache of every decision being too much to handle, feeling fatigued at the thought of movement, the abject despair that you might never feel alive again is terrifying.

Kyle asked me once what it felt like. I told him it was like living in the black and white version of the Wizard of Oz. You see everybody else dancing and laughing in their colorful world while you wander aimlessly in your blah grey world. Perhaps scariest of all are the feelings that everything is false and you can't trust yourself or your decisions. There is absolutely no glimmer of hope that tomorrow you will feel better.

It encourages me to see King David, the author of this psalm, acknowledge the heaviness of my heart in his prayer AND he gives me a template for hope.

David says,

"Remember the days of old and all God's great works!" Sometimes it is so difficult to remember that in the past God HAS answered. However reciting those events to myself gives me hope that MAYBE He will answer again, even if I don't feel Him today.
"I will lift my hands in prayer and "thirst" for God." I pray even thought I don't think He is listening. Just the practice of turning over my heavy heart to somebody else gives me temporary relief and peace of soul. More importantly, even though I don't see it today I know that God is listening.
"I am trusting you. Show me where to walk." Trust is a hard fought commodity during depression but trusting God was sometimes the only solid ground I had. So, one foot in front of the other I trust God because I know that even though life feels like it is failing me right now I have to trust.

There are days that I still fight these feelings. On those days I link arm and arm with David, tied closely with him as if we were running a three-legged race together. Why? Because God has always answered both of us. Always.

Are you SURE you don't need me?

2011-08-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
If you see a Christian brother or sister sinning in a way that does not lead to death you should pray and GOD will give that person life. I John 5:16

Observation
I have a strong sense of justice. That is my way of saying I think I know what is best for everybody. I also have a bad filter. That means I say what I think. The combination of those two things sets the stage for some really bad, however well intended encounters! Somehow it is easy for me to act as if I am actually called to be God, the Holy Spirit, and parental authority for all who wander into the the cross hairs of my lady justice inclinations.

Today I John reminds me that If I do see one of my Christian family sinning in a way that does NOT lead to death (rejecting God) then I should PRAY and GOD will solve the issue. It's almost as if He doesn't need my help; As if He can do what needs to be done. Without me?

Well that's a relief.

Application
I will try to pray more and mind my own business a LOT more.

Prayer
Lord thank you for being a just and righteous God. I know I can trust you with the lives of my children, family and friends. I CHOOSE to trust you today and will take my concerns and needs to you.

FOF off!

2011-08-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
They (those who fear the Lord and delight in obeying his commands) do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. Psalms 112:7

Observation
A great teacher once told me that two things could ruin a person; FOF and FOP. Fear of Failure and Fear of People. I'm not really scared of people but failure terrifies me. That is only one of the many things that scare me. Here are the cliff notes of that list.

Things Jill is afraid of (in no particular order):

Spiders, large.
Snakes, all sizes.
Bats, rats, things with big teeth, dead and alive, caged or not.
Heights, anything above 3 stories if in a building or structure. Above 10 feet if not inside. Above 3 feet if it involves a child.
Things that jump out at me, like obnoxious children, sales people, and friends/family who are entertained by my jumping and screaming when startled.
Being alone.
My husband leaving me.
My children rejecting me.
Failure.
Things that go bump in the night.

Many people are afraid of the 3 a.m. phone call. A phone ringing at that hour always screams "BAD NEWS COMING" loudly in the darkness. All of us fear bad news. So the psalmist is REALLY saying that if I fear the Lord and obey his commands I do not need to fear bad news?

Seriously? Does that include the fear of my husband losing his job, teenagers in car accidents, reoccurrence of my daughter's cancer, and being terrified that I will kill a church rather than be a part of building one? I think SO! I don't see the Bible saying that those things can't happen. But RIGHT HERE in Psalms 112:7 it says that I can trust the Lord to care for me even IF they happen.

Well, there's an issue right there! TRUST. While that is a whole other topic of my life that needs shovels and graphs to unpack and explain, I do have to admit this one thing. IF I believe God's word is true (which I do) than I have to believe that If God says I can trust Him to care for me, He will.

Also, if I survey the history of my life I see that, while things haven't always gone the way I wanted them to, God has been consistent and faithful to me up to this very minute of my typing. I am alive physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically! (No, we are not going to debate any of those) Given my life story this is a miracle! Ergo, I do not have to fear bad news! Thanks God!FOF gone . . . along with all it's other cousins.

Application

I will work hard at trusting that God will care for me and letting go of my fears.

Prayer

Dear Jesus - help me to rest in you CONFIDENTLY, knowing that you will care for me.

The epicenter of motive

2011-08-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to wheat their actions deserve. Jeremiah 17:10

Observation
Week in and week out I think about, pray for, and work at building another meeting place of the Church, called Navigate.

What is my motive? I really do want to see more, ALL, people reached with the message of Hope that I believe transforms lives in ways even I can't imagine. However I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that internally I long to be a larger church and have more people visiting each week. Frankly I want to take over the world, with Billings as the epicenter of the Jill/Navigate earthquake.

What is my motive? If it is all points towards God and His purposes, big church or little church doesn't matter. If my motive is to teach God's words then it won't matter how many people are in the room, I will do my very best to be clear, consistent, creative and faithful no matter what the attendance.

What is my motive? I think my heart is right, some of the time, but today and every day it takes effort to keep it in check. Lord, help me.

Prayer
Lord, check my motives. Correct and realign me according to your will and word.

Paper Anchors

2011-08-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
When I discovered your words, I devoured them. They are my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God. Jeremiah 15:16

Observation
At the foot of our bed is an old steamer trunk that holds the physical remnants of my childhood memories. In this time capsule is an old floral box that once held fresh stationary. Now it has little bits of paper showcasing my mother's beautiful scrolling handwriting, embellished with drawings and fun stickers. They had been kindly tucked into lunch boxes or placed at the breakfast table for a holiday treat. Love on paper.

Knowing where you belong and who you belong to are essential anchors for the soul and that is what these love notes provided me. They reminded me that I was a cherished child of a loving parent. They were definitely a "joy and my heart's delight".

I love a clean box of stationary, like this one used to be, because of its endless potential. It holds promise of kind words, written bits of history or humor, and memories galore. Unfortunately, this box, MY box, holds the ass end of the potential; letters written by a mother who no longer wishes be my mother. They are bitter reminders of what it felt like to belong to somebody.

But I understand the prophet Jeremiah's sentiment because truly, nothing is better to hear or see than words that tie you to where you are the most loved.

This is what I feel when I read the Bible. It is personal for me. I feel like I am connected, like I belong to Jesus himself, because I do. Because I CHOOSE to. Over the past three weeks I have been busy and haven't prioritized reading my Bible. The result? I feel so very disconnected from God.

If I knew that I could read those little notes from my mother every day and feel the same kind of unconditional love and acceptance they were originally meant to provide, wouldn't I do that? This is what the Bible offers, and delivers on, every time! So why do I not consistently devour it? I'm going to work on that.

Application
I will work on consistently spending time with my Jesus, through reading his word.

Prayer
Lord, thank you for your love note. Help me to be consistent and disciplined in being with you through your words.

Beauty queen answers

2011-07-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
You don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it. And even when you ask you don't get it because your motives are all wrong - you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:2,3

Observation
What do I want? If I was a good selfless person, and the proper pastor or a beauty queen, I would say I want peace on earth, a solution to world hunger etc. etc. or some other altruistic shit like that.

However, I'm neither a beauty queen nor have I ever been accused of being proper so let me tell you what I really want. I want wealth and success. I crave children that are the top of their class and in every school newsletter. Secretly I really want large crowds attending our church, who all recognize and adore (that's stretching it) me. And, I have always wanted to be a beauty queen. (ok, that one was a lie. The rest of it is dead-to-rights true.)

Sometimes I ask myself, "What is my MOTIVATION for wanting all those other things?" Sadly, when I look into my mirror of wants and desires I see nothing pretty reflected back. I find only motives that serve my self interest and promotion. This is not the woman I want to be and it certainly isn't the leader or mother I want to be.

What I really really want is to be pleasing to Jesus because I believe that is why I was created. Being that woman who is pleasing to God is more important to me than anything. Therefore, I re-appropriate my desires, asking God to give me what I need, confident that He already knows what I want.

Yes, I do slip in a "please God, if you would just..." occasionally. Then when that request isn't fulfilled or answered differently than I expected I am reminded to examine my motives. Aw, SHUCKS. There it is again, me reflected back in the mirror instead of my Jesus.

Application
I will "check" my desires and look at them according to what Jesus wants of me.

Prayer
Lord, spare me from my selfishness and pride.

Father knows best? Right.

2011-07-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God's discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. Hebrews 12:10

Observation
Fewer things frustrate me in the Bible than discussions of fathers. Why? Because there are too many of them in my life and most of them really were bad at the dad thing.

There is bio-dad who, based on the fact that I was in an orphanage, clearly didn't want me.
Then came adoptadad #1 who brought me into his family and then changed his mind , putting me up for adoption again.
After that was adoptadad#2 who divorced adoptamom#2 within a year of adopting me.
Following many fatherless years, during which adoptadad#2 visited me ONCE, came stepdad. He was lively, fun and devoted - right up until the point where he didn't protect me from my mother beating the hell out of me, even though he was in the house when it happened. After two black eyes, motionless jaw, ringing ears (for weeks), bruises from head to toe and missing days of school from injuries, I decided maybe dads weren't supposed to protect. Stepdad lasted less than one calendar year. Adoptadad #2 visited once again while we lived with stepdad.
5 years later after more abuse and chaos I was taken to foster dad #1. He was a police officer and practiced police holds on me. Most importantly he introduced me to what a dad was supposed to be, as I observed he and his children. I didn't get to stay there.
Guardian dad entered the scene after all other parents abdicated responsibility. I admire and love him, even though our relational rough spots. His redeeming values are that he loves his family well, promises to stick around, and acts on that promise.

So, scripture about the goodness of "Father" God fall on wounded and scarred ears. Hebrews reminds me that our earthly fathers do the best they know how and will never be perfect. While I have little understanding for fathers who abandon children, ignore their cries of pain, or fail to be present, I do understand they will ALWAYS fall short because they are human and imperfect.

Should I draw comparison between God, my Father, and my earthly fathers? It is inevitable. However, I try very hard to be grateful for what each of these men has offered my life; Offering grace for their shortcomings, understanding that I am imperfect also.

Thankfully, God always has and always will have my best interests at heart and act on them every day. EVERY day.

Prayer

Thank you Jesus for always protecting and loving me. Thank you most of all for being Father God to me; loving, nurturing, disciplining and caring for me faithfully. Thank you for a husband who loves our children and tries his best to emulate you so they can see a great image of God the Father through their earthly father.

Lady Justice and Father God

2011-07-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from common human burdens; they are not plagued by human ills. Psalms 73:4,5/When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God. Psalms 73:16,17

Observation
As I child I spent endless hours dreaming of being somebody, anybody, else. I wasn't the blond haired blue eyed graceful child that I admired. Instead I had buck teeth, a bowl haircut and was (yes, AM) awkward and geeky. Without even knowing it I fell into the trap of comparative values. Something inside of me said that the children who had great hair, round eyes, both a father AND a mother, nicer cars, cooler clothes etc. were somehow happier. This is not a trap exclusive to children; youth and adults fall victim to it just as easily.

Whatever characteristic we most admire or covet we attach a happiness/ satisfaction value to. Somehow, we imagine that the more things our envied neighbor/friend/family member have, that we desire, the happier they must be.

It doesn't matter how many times we see movie stars or figures of fame endure struggle hardship we still secretly believe they are better off than we are. It is almost as if we believe their money or fame excludes them from the depths of pain and suffering that regular humans endures. As the author of this psalm/poem reflects here, we really believe that some people live a charmed life, fairing better than we do. All I can say sometimes is that Lady Justice's scale SUCKS sometimes. It's just not FAIR. No matter how much I try and make sense of the have vs. have nots it always comes out unbalanced.

So what do I do with that?

I strive to do what the psalmist says here and take it into the sanctuary of God. Here I remember that every person is equally loved and cherished. No one person stands on a higher or more deserved level than the next. While these words trip off my fingers easily they stumble when I think of starving families, disease ridden nations, sick children, victims of violence and abuse, and world hunger. Where is the equality there? In light of the world ills can I still say God's love is without prejudice and without boundary? Without favor and color blind?

Prayer
Lord, help me to serve you for who you are, not for what you do for me, or don't do for others. I do not understand your ways or decisions but I choose to trust you because of the difference you have made to me. I will not serve Lady Justice but you, Father God.

Hope is the mint on my pillow

2011-07-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
(Paul writes...) Prepare a guest room for me because I hope to be restored to you in answer to your prayers. Philemon 22

Observation
This was a frustrating morning for me. I tipped the scale at 166, a discouraging record for me. Sigh. Immediately following was the usual resolve to eat better, exercise more and be happy in spite of the results of those efforts. You see I am getting closer to forty and it seems that no matter how hard I work, diet or starve, the weight stubbornly stays in place. I know this isn't a problem isolated to only me but it feels very personal. As someone with image issues and borderline eating disorder I have to fight to keep my emotions in balance with reality when faced with weight gain! But so far I have never given up hope! I still HOPE that someday I will be satisfied with my weight and size. So, what shall I do with my hope?

If I were Paul I would make a plan that included fulfillment of my desire. Where Paul, who is imprisoned when he penned this letter, writes to his friends to "prepare a guest room" for him because he hopes to returned to them, even though his current circumstances give him no reason to think this will happen! This goes a strong step further than just sitting, imprisoned, hoping and praying that he will see his friends again. He asks THEM to ACT on his hope and he puts his hope in writing.

He asks them to wash the sheets, put fresh towels in his room and mints on the pillow . . . act on hope of his return.

So, if I were to act on my hope what would I do? Buy the size 4 dress that I see in the window of the boutique, hang it in my closet, waiting to fulfill the dream of wearing it? Shall I throw away all the size 10 clothes I have, confident that my hope will be fulfilled?

I think the only hope that I will act on is that I be a woman that sees herself as deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing and totally accepted by God. Because I am

Application
In addition to focusing on being a healthy individual I will continue to act on hope by praying that God will continue His work in me, increasing my understanding of who I am in God's eyes.

Prayer
Thank you for loving me, Jesus. Thank you for seeing past my flaws, while hoping I will give those to you, and focusing on who YOU see me to be. Thank you for seeing the servant while encouraging the woman.

Bows of weirdness

2011-06-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord but not wholeheartedly. II Chronicles 25:2

Observation
Junior High spirit week was not a shining moment for me. Frankly, all of Junior high was about as "shining" as the gum on the bottom of my shoes is fresh! Anyway, spirit week. Being a blue and white school I decided I was going to go ALL OUT. Since we were poor I used what I had. My navy blue sweater was embellished with about a hundred white yarn bows, secured by safety pins. The white baseball hat had dozens of navy blue yarn bows. The blue jeans were not left unadorned either. I was so proud of my ingenuity and resourcefulness! Somewhere in the time vault-o-shame there is a picture of this spirited moment.

When I got to school I discovered that not only did the average junior higher consider spirit week as "lame" but they also considered people who went ALL OUT (me) as retarded and "special". I was made fun of and the butt of several jokes. By the end of the day there were no bows, no pins and DEFINITELY no school spirit. The only thing left hanging on my sweater was humiliation and a resolve to never stand out in a crowd again.

Sometimes I think I am that kind of Jesus follower - one who doesn't want to stand out. I mean really. Who wants to be the weird kid? The one nobody sits by at lunch, gets made fun of because they're different, or the one to whom teachers say "you're SO creative", further alienating friends who have already distanced themselves. "Safety in sameness" became a life motto.

So, here's the gig. I am totally in love with Jesus and generally, not afraid to tell anybody about it. A life with Jesus has only benefited me, so why should I not share it with other people? I'm willing to share about my favorite zit remover soap so why not about Jesus? If that makes me weird than ok. At least I will be wholehearted in my weirdness.

Application
I want to be wholehearted in everything I do, including in my faith.

Prayer
Lord, help me to be brave, sincere, authentic and wholehearted in all I do in life.

One man's trash is another woman's oil

2011-06-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
“Elisha replied to her, ‘How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?’ ‘Your servant has nothing there at all,’ she said, ‘except for a small jar of olive oil.’ II Kings 4:2,3

Garage saleing has become a national past time, rivaling NFL and NBA for the number of fans and far surpassing it in number of players. Daffodils, tulips and garage sale signs are the new spring flowers, popping up through the snow almost before it has stopped falling from the winter sky.

It is a global conspiracy to exchange crap. This concept has extended to the virtual world with the advent of ebay and craiglist. Why? Because we are anxious to get our hands on something we deem valuable at somebody else's throw-away price!

Call me crazy, (If you follow this blog I already know you do), but I see garage sale mentality in this poor widow in II Kings. On the brink of financial disaster she meets the prophet Elisha, who offers his assistance. The widow responds that she has nothing of value, only olive oil. Now, I understand why she thought it was valueless. Having a bit of olive oil, in the absence of grain or any other food item, IS practically useless. Her only hope of it having value is to put it on ebay and hope that somebody liked the jar enough to pay money for it. However, Elisha saw potential in the oil and sets about changing her financial fortunes using ONLY that thing she saw as junk into life sustaining treasure.(read the rest of the story if you are lost)

What do I see as junk, useless in my life? What possessions or talents can God use to bless or sustain somebody else?

Application:
I will take time to consider the "garage sale" pile in my life. What things would I throw away that God wants to "repurpose"?

Prayer:
God, help me to see my life as valuable to you and help me to live it in honor of you.

Thowing out the truth

2011-06-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
The king of Israel (Ahab) answered Jehoshaphat, "There is still on prophet through whom we can inquire of the Lord, but I hate him because he never prophesies anything good about me, but always bad. He is Miacaiah son of Imlah." I Kings 22:8

Observation
People who think I'm awesome are the awesomest people EVER! I crave people who admire and adore me. Friends who will tell me that I'm always right are my favs. I know i'm not alone in that. If we were honest with ourselves EVERYBODY feels the way Ahab did. We all want an adoring crowd, paparazzi at our beckon and a personal fan club. Don't we?

Why is that? Do we really need adoration that badly, or does it go deeper than just wanting fame amongst our friends. And why is it that we reject those people in our lives that tell us the truth, even if it will be useful for us to hear? We tend to reject truth tellers in our life, shoving them back in the closet, waiting to take them out with the rest of the weeks life refuse.

Perhaps our rejecting of truth tellers, like Ahab tries to reject Miacaiah, goes to the depths of just not wanting to confront the mires of truth because it often shows us blemishes and flaws. Truth can be scary because it often requires something of us, CHANGE.

I really want to embrace people who God puts in my life teach me more about Him and lead me to His arms of grace. The potential benefits far outweigh the twinges of guilt or correction I may feel from the truth arrows.

Application
I want to be a learner and gracious receiver of the truth.

Prayer
Lord, help me to be open to words of instruction and direction from the servants you put into my life.

Guarding garbage with a balloon sword

2011-06-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
"He carried off the treasures of the temple...including all the gold shields Solomon had made. So King Rehoboam made bronze shields to replace them..the guards bore the shields and afterward they returned them to the guardroom. I Kings 14:26,27

Observation
North Idaho in the 1980's was a hotbed of Aryan activity. The white supremacists decided Hayden Lake, Idaho was home and set up a compound outside of the city. Their leader was the Reverend Richard Butler, whom I met once while serving at a local steak restaurant. Since I was non-white he would not take food, talk, or exchange money with me. His guard took care of all the interaction since the Reverend could not interact with anybody not of "pure" blood. Growing up in that area certainly made my childhood and teen years memorable.

While racial prejudice is never funny I do remember a funny tidbit of information. The guards outside the aryan compound would march around outside the gates carrying wooden shields, as if those bits of painted log would protect them from the disdain of the locals or weapons of the law enforcement. This always struck me as comical - they might as well have been carrying balloon swords too for all the good those shields were doing them.

This passage in Kings reminded me of the aryan shields. Because the nation of Judah sinned against the Lord he allowed them to come under attack from Egypt. Egypt plundered the temple treasure taking, amongst other things, King Solomon's beautiful gold shields. So, the King has bronze ones made in their place. Scripture seems to indicate that the guards treated these bronze shileds as well as they would have the more valuable, gold shields. Their carelessness had lost them their treasure and so their only choice was to guard the substandard substitution. They were only one step away from Butlers painted wood shields and yet guarding them as if they were made of gold.

This made me wonder. What do I guard or hang on to, as if it were so valuable. My stuff? My job? My clothing? My ideas? My business? My ideas? My talents?

It's all really nothing - useless without God in my life. He is our treasure. Everything else is garbage in comparison, yet I guard it with my wooden shield.

Application
I will take care to treasure my relationship with God and hold "loosely" everything else, knowing that there is no value in the "stuff".

I'll drink to that can of worms!

2011-06-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery, instead be filled with the spirit. Ephesians 5:18

Observation
The home I was raised in was dry. Not in terms of humor but in terms of alcohol. I distinctly remember my mother hiding rum, for rum cake, deep behind the coffee can of bacon grease (yes, she's southern), dish soap and cleaning supplies underneath the kitchen sink. My upbringing taught me that those who drink are bad and those who don't and, most likely good.

This all changed one day when I moved in with a family, who invested many hours, dollars and sleepless nights in and for me, when they volunteered to take over my upbringing after my mother disowned me. The father of this family is one of the best men I know. Honest, hardworking and dedicated to family. He drank. This shattered my concept of "bad people drink" and caused me to reevaluate the inordinate sinful value the church has placed on the consumption of alcohol.

Over the years I have questioned this teaching, while following the rules set before me, mostly. However, in the last 5 years I have really struggled with this, searching scripture over and over for the smoking gun on why a believer should not drink. Drunkenness is clearly prohibited but a glass of Pinot? A Guinness? I just can't find it. Especially the Guinness. I've looked.

However, this issue seems to still be a litmus test of faith for so many people, on both sides of the beverage aisle. For people of traditional faith it appears that alcohol separates the conservatives from the liberals; conservatives joke about the alcohol content of cough syrup and liberals drink wine with dinner, albeit not in front of their conservative peers. In differentiation, people not raised with these kinds of traditions see those who hold the consumption of alcohol in such high regards as, stuffy, unless it is out of respect for a lineage of alcoholism or personal choice for health. However, as to abstinence practiced as a matter of observance of faith many will call "FOUL".

This, as many other matters of conscious, will be a debate that rages through the ages. Where do I stand on it? I stand with those who say that every person who follows the teachings of Jesus Christ must be filled with the spirit, and allow the spirit to truly guide their actions. To this point there is can be no debate. Oh yeah, and I agree with the whole "don't get drunk" thing.

Prayer
Jesus, help my actions to be consistent with the empowering, convicting and loving call of the Holy Spirit.

Damn (Proverbs) wife

2011-06-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Proverbs 30:31 ...But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Observation
Have you read this? Proverbs 31? This woman drives me crazy. I'll just bet she never yells at her husband for not using bathroom spray AND leaving the bathroom door open. She probably has all seasons of clothing and shoes at her fingertips when the weather makes a swing of 70 degrees in a 24 hour period. Her family never has to choose between cracker sandwiches or cutting the mold off the bread that is in the bag. Shoot, she probably makes the bread fresh every morning! Her house is always company ready and goulash isn't ever on the menu, because she has never met a day when her dinner wasn't planned ahead of time. Empty the fridge into the crock pot and "voila" dinner?! Perish the thought!

I think I hate her. Only I can't. Because I want to be like her. Kind of.

Really, in the whole descriptive list of the Proverbs 31 wife, the only thing that matters to me is verse 31. If I can be known for one thing it is not for my gorgeous children, handsome and accomplished husband or for my skills as a photographer or crafter. I want to be known as one who fears the Lord because out of that flows my desire for serving others; my friends, family and community. I suspect this is the point of this section of scripture. I'm sure hoping so.

Prayer
Jesus, help my desire for acknowledgment and recognition come from wanting to be known for knowing You. Nothing else.

Crystal

2011-06-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
It has always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ was not known so that I would not be building on someone else's foundation. Romans 15:20

Observation
It is crystal clear to me. Start a church where there isn't a church. Share with people who don't have a church. Build community where there isn't one. Share Jesus with people who either don't know Him or have a diminished opinion of Him. See?

Through my life I have loved the Church. I loved being there, loved learning, loved my friendships and have never regretted being raised "in the Church". Why would I? I fell in love with Jesus there.

As a minister I have served several churches. Through those communities I have been blessed with great leaders, excellent support from parishioners and awesome people to love on our children.

Cynacism, skepticism, and disdain for the the church establishment has never been a part of my emotional makeup. I'm not sure why. It certainly isn't that the people in churches haven't hurt, offended, criticized, judged or lied to me. Perhaps I am just able to separate the people from Jesus. Humans are all flawed and I understand that.

Because of this "positive history" and more importantly because of the difference Jesus has made in my life, I am so excited to tell others about Him. So, doesn't it make sense? Why WOULDN'T I want to start another church that doesn't build on another's foundation; choosing instead to build a unique community, on the same message, that welcomes and houses cynics, skeptics and the wounded in addition to the Jesus freaks, do gooders and those who have loved Jesus for much longer than I have.

So why the confusion, friends? This is crystal clear to me. If you love Jesus and he has made a difference in your life, find a way to tell others. Navigate is one way.

The question I have is WHO'S WITH ME?

Prayer
Lord, bring others around Navigate who want to be a part of community. Help people who need love and people who have love to give find a meaning and purpose in our community. Please help our hearts to be honest, our words wise, and our actions always loving and generous.

Gandalf I am

2011-06-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. Romans 14:22

Observation:
It's a little known fact.

"Hello, my name is Jill and I smoke a pipe."

Ok. Not really. But TRULY, if I ever did smoke anything, it would be a pipe. I think pipe culture is cool. I love the click of ivory on teeth, the beautiful polished wood bowls, the hammered metal ornamentation and the smell ... oh the smell of good tobacco. Sometimes I imagine myself in a beautiful library, with lovely light, a book, and a pipe. Sigh.

Smoking is one of the many things that is considered "taboo" in the Christian culture. Over the decades the list of disapproved activities has gotten smaller. Where movies, dancing and makeup used to be banned now the list has been whittled down to illicit sexual activities, smoking, drugs and over indulgence in alcohol.

So what is "right"? WHO is right? Where do drinking and smoking fall in and out of a life honoring God?

Here is what I know to be true. I do not want to be condemned by what I approve or disapprove of. Let my approval and condemnation come from how I honor God according to what I understand the Bible to say. Let those issues in "question", i.e. the grey areas of life, the areas where the Bible is not definitively clear, not cause me to judge or discriminate against other people in my life. The choices I make should bring judgement and conviction on myself, as I understand the Bible.

As a minister my job IS to explain to others what I understand the Bible to say. And I will continue to do that. Hopefully, without judgement and prejudice.

Application:
When I see and hear others that have lifestyles that differ or conflict with mine, I will make an effort to be open, honest, and loving.

Prayer:
God. You were the model of acceptance, love, grace and forgiveness. I want to be like you. Help me.

My favorite Guillotine

2011-06-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
A heart at peace gives life to the body . . . Proverbs 14:30

Observation
Stress is my life. I seldom accomplish anything without stress motoring me through the challenges. Deadlines are challenges, unmet expectations entice me like a Guillotine, a long "to-do" list motivates me into action. Some might say I thrive on stress, even though I secretly think it is merely the skeleton that holds my goals in focus and the muscle that moves me into action! Due to all this stress I am generally NOT at peace.

What does stress do to/for me? Well, I have lost an entire head of hair, probably enough to stuff my queen size mattress. My digestive system rebels on a regular basis, crippling my ability to digest food. There have been periods of chronic migraines. I think I have gained and lost my body weight several times over. During some seasons the skin on my hands has peeled mercilessly, leaving bloody, open sores at the tips of all my fingers. The muscles on my neck and back are in constant knots, requiring therapy, heat and chiropractic help to readjust them. Seriously. All this is true, and the majority of it happens at the same time.

So, as much as I think stress motivates me, wouldn't it just be easier to be at peace and let my body give life to me, instead of my emotions sucking the life out of it? Perhaps I should work on that.

There is no life in stress and certainly no peace.
Prayer
Lord, give me your heart of peace, patience and gentleness. Help me to learn from your example, as one who was at peace AND left unfinished tasks and needs still to be met. Help me to be a peaceful woman.

I Wanna be Google Maps

2011-05-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge. Romans 10:2

Observation
Taryn, age 9: "Mom I picked the college I want to go to"
Mom, age 38: "Oh really? Why?"
Taryn: "I was reading about it. Sounds like a good school."
Mom: "It's in Missouri. That is a LONG ways away, you know."
Taryn: "IT'S IN MISSOURI???!"

Have you ever known somebody who gets all excited about something they know nothing, or very little, about? That's my little Taryn. She's all excited about college, or at least the thought of it. She is telling me her plans, explaining it to her siblings, and for all I know, is already packed! However, before she goes she will need a lot more information, understanding and, oh I don't know, EDUCATION, in order to make an informed choice.

This verse in Romans reminds me a little of the "Taryn" inside of all of us. We get excited about God and church sometimes, but have we based our zealousness on accurate knowledge or understanding of God?

I get all excited, or zealous, for God. I love being able to tell other people about Him! It's the cheese to my macaroni. What I really want though is to make sure that I have knowledge about God, so I am sharing right information. I want to be accurate; more like google maps, not the ATT map that got me lost the last time I was trying to get somewhere. The awesome part about this is, because I know God and work to acquire knowledge, wisdom and understanding from His word, my zealousness increases. The more I know about Him the more I love Him.

Application
I want to continue to learn more and more about Jesus so that I can serve Him with both zealousness AND understanding.

Prayer
Lord, give me an insatiable hunger to learn about you.

You're right, I'm left

2011-05-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
(Seven detestable things to the Lord) ...and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. Proverbs 6:19

Observation
I have an insatiable need to be right. Nothing makes me want to fight more than when somebody tells me I am wrong or questions my integrity. When that happens I feel all the impulses and worthlessness of the younger sister being told she is stupid by an older sibling. (Enter speech on how to honor sibilings when you are young) My temper rises and self control vanishes, quickly. Even though age and some measure of wisdom has tempered my outward fight, my inward person still writhes with anger when confronted.

How do I handle it? Simple! If I just "explain" where my offender got it wrong and why THEY are wrong the world is made right again. Isn't that only fair? Aren't I entitled to that?

The problem comes in that often "setting the record straight" leads to conflict. Does my rightness matter so much that I am willing to stir up conflict to rectify it? Generally, no. Usually the things that get my shorts in a twist are inconsequential, forgettable, and fodder for last weeks recycling burn pile. Perhaps, my time could be better spent understanding that people misspeak and misunderstand, however they are generally not ill intended towards me. Take a chill pill Jill!

Exceptions to the rule are, obviously, if the conflict involves an injustice or violation of God's laws. However, most of the time relationships are too valuable to risk over mildly misplaced words. Certainly my relationship with Jesus is to valuable for me hurt his heart over my hurt feelings.

Application
I will offer grace to those who offend, understanding that conflict in community displeases the my Jesus.

Prayer
Dear God, please forgive me for carrying offenses and hurt over things that don't matter. Help me to gain the perspective that this displeases you and that I am called to be an agent of peace and reconciliation.

Eureka! I lost it! (again)

2011-05-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
(Regarding wisdom) If you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure THEN you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. Proverbs 2:5

Observation
My life is much like a scavenger hunt. I am in constant search for my lost stuff. Day to day I lose so many things that I have quit investing time in looking for lost stuff. Instead, I just wait for it to show back up again. Then I can yell “Eureka” like a good little pirate and boast to my husband, “See! I told you I knew where it was.”

As far as wisdom goes, I hadn’t considered it as something to “search for”. I don’t know why. Maybe I was hoping wisdom would float into my lap, same as the maid and chef I have been praying for. Perhaps it will happen when I get older and my hair turns grey. Sadly, most days I think my shipment fell off the truck a long ways back! The point is, even though I desire and recognize the value of wisdom, I can't say I have actively searched for it.

However, through this process of journaling and reading the Bible with friends I have to admit that I see more wisdom every day in the words I read. While, I don’t read the Bible with the intent of finding ONE treasure, since I consider the collective words themselves treasure, I do find a new insight into the Bible when I read it. Guaranteed. Every time

I would love it if my 2 missing sets of prescription sunglasses would reappear. My mismatched socks and earrings would like their mates back. It would be helpful if my memory didn't keep forgetting where my brain was. Oh. And has anybody seen my fourth child lately?

Most of all I am on a hunt for wisdom.

Application
I will be searching for wisdom in God, actively. Through His words (Bible) and His people.

Prayer
Dear Jesus - please forgive me for not actively seeking after the wisdom of your heart. Thank you for reminding me of this righteous and needed privilege. Most of all, thank you for making your wisdom readily available to me, anytime I need it.

But I don't eat mustard!

2011-05-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags and to another one bag, each according to his ability... Matthew 25:15

Observation
I'm a lemming. A follower. A voyer of trendy American TV. The latest on my plate of reality TV viewing? EXTREME COUPONING! Every episode shows somebody saving hundreds to thousands of dollars and spending only pennies, in comparison to the value of their procurements. Have you watched these freaks? I can't decide if they're talented or sick. Their garages and basements declare war on traditional consumerism. The thrift shoppers are literally in a euphoric "high" when their purchasing power works out the way their VERY detailed plan is laid out.

The "are they sick" question comes in when I see their "storehouses". One man even built out a new space onto his store room, just for his wall of toothpaste. There was enough toothpaste in that room to keep Julia Roberts, Michelle Obama AND Dr. Teeth in excellent dental health well into their denture years! WHY does one single man need that much toothpaste? Then there the man who said, upon buying a cart of mustard for approximately $3 and a slug nickel, "We don't even eat mustard". And yet there is a cart full of it. That's sickness.

However, my closeted admiration of these frugal shoppers is because they manage what they have so well. Desperation is what drove many of the "Couponers" into action. When faced the economic downturn or lost jobs they began to squeeze the most out of their dollars as possible. I admire that.

Sometimes I want more. Not more toothpaste or mustard, but more talent, more skills, more, more more. However, I wonder what my ability is with the resources, skills and talents I have. Am I multiplying what I have been given? Do I honor God by being resourceful or am I stingy or unwise.

I have everything I need, but what I want is for Jesus to say to me "You have been faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things." I want to be called faithful, that's all.

Application
I will work to be a good manager, a good steward, of all that God gives me.

Prayer
Sometimes, Lord, I am discontent with what I have. I look at who others are, what their talents and skills are and I want what THEY have. Help me to not only be contented, but also to utilize what you have given me, to the best of my abilities as you give me help.

One of yous gotta go!

2011-05-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
And the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud for the glory of the Lord filled the temple of God. II Chronicles 5:14

Observation
Everybody has, or should have, dream. One of my (minor) dreams is a big country kitchen with lots of light, open spacious counters, perfect storage for all my needs, new appliances, beautiful floors and, oh yeah, a personal maid and chef. My reality is a small cutout of a room with one light fixture serving the space. It stops just short of a naked lightbulb swinging from the ceiling. The GOLD sparkly 1960's laminate would gleam beautifully if it weren't dulled with age and years. (sounds like something you would say about an old, Korean grandmother, huh?!) Mismatched appliances are not as much arranged for usefulness as they are crammed into this ugly little box.

To make matters worse, I am forever shooing potentially helpful persons (or begging, scavenging offspring) out of the tiny space. It's not because I don't appreciate the help or company it is just that either I have personal spatial issues and/or my derriere has grown to a point of crowding other people out of my life and kitchen. I call this lovely space my "two butt" kitchen. Why? Because when more than one of us in there I feel overcrowded and can't work.

Surprisingly, the amazing architecture and artistry of the temple Solomon built for God, as recorded in II Chronicles, reminded me of my tiny food prep galley. In verse 14 it says the priests could not perform their duties because the glory of the Lord filled the temple. Solomon's priests, the priests of God, were crowded out of their regular duties by the presence of God that filled that space.

Oh, I would love to be able to say that about every relationship, every conversation, every church meeting that I am a part of. To be able to say that I couldn't do what I thought I was supposed to do to honor God because God crowded me out would be nothing short of amazing.

Do not crowd me out of my kitchen unless you want to do the work yourself. But, seriously Lord, crowd me out of the rest of my life.

Prayer
Frequently I pray that people won't see me, Jill, but they will see God in me. I pray that again today. Crowd me out, Jesus.

I dub thee ...

2011-05-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
He erected the pillars in the north of the temple ... The one to the south he named Jakin and the one the north Boaz. II Chronicles 3:17

Observation
I just had to know. What does my name mean?

Jill def. Unpleasant to be near. Girl. Downey-haired child. Regenerated youth.

Wow. Soooo, I'm no fun, a girl (Kyle will be relieved to know THAT), have hair like fabric softener and am in a perpetually botoxed state. AWESOME.

Naming children is difficult. I once heard of a chinese immigrant who wanted American names for his three sons so he named them Huey, Dewey and Luie. True story.

When we were naming our children it seemed like every name either conjured up images of people we did not like, the name meant something unfortunate or Kyle made it sound like a nursery rhyme, rendering it useless. (He skipped around the house singing "abby riley, abby riley, abby riley" repeatedly for weeks until the name lost its magical quality for me.)

Naming pets can be almost as challenging. My mother insisted all our pets names begin with L since our last name began with L. I had a bird named Lemon, ducks named Lord Ladamore and Lady Lulu, cats named King Louise and Queen Louisa, and chickens named Lolly and Lollypop. We had fish named after an aunt and uncle whom I can only assume, upon being flushed, are now swimming with the oddly named Dori and Nemo. But as difficult as naming is, there are people who name not only pets and people but also other things such as cars and favorite body parts (Nope, not going there).

King Solomon, son of David, might take the prize though. He named pillars in the temple. PILLARS? Weird. I've bequeathed names on many things but never on concrete. However, odd as it seems to me Solomon did give them upstanding (get it) names; Jakin, which means "he establishes" and Boaz, "in him is strength". These pillars were the greeters, the support, the largest and most imposing of the structures within the temple. Solomon distinguished them with name and meaning to accentuate the importance of the structures.

My body, the Bible says, it the temple of God. So, what are my pillars? What would I name them? What greets people when they look into my life? What do they see as "holding me up"?

In my life I have been sustained daily by faith in God and an insatiable desire to learn more, absorb more knowledge and understanding in my life; about God, people, history, etc. So I believe I would name my pillars "Faith" and "Learning". Boring names I know. But as the great Shakespeare once said "that which we call a rose, by any any other name would smell as sweet." The name does matter but the meaning behind it matters more.

Ummm, thanks for the name Mom and Dad, I think?

Application
I will try and remember every day that I am the temple of God, sustained by God himself.

Prayer
Lord, help me to be holy, as you are holy, honoring you in the way I live.

The history of the hound

2011-05-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, His power, and the wonders He has done. So the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. Psalms 78: 4,6,7

Observation
The other day I saw a basset hound with big long ears. It reminded me of a story, which I shared with the little Rileys.

My sister had big ears, not like Will Smith's kids ears, but close. Her baby pictures accentuated them because she was bald with big floppy wings. That may be a slight exaggeration but it didn't stop my brother and I from calling her Dumbo. Such sweet siblings! Back to the basset hound.

He lived next door to us, a big, dusty, belly dragging, stupid beast. Tied to his chain, he would run up and down the strip of dirt in between our houses and, inevitably step on his ears sending himself tumbling, rump and tail over eyeballs. It was very entertaining. One day, in my usual delicate fashion, I asked my sister, "Hey! Dana'!!! Can you do that?" She wasn't impressed by that request. This is just one of the many childhood stories I have shared with the kiddies.

I have told the little Rileys about my love of my pet ducks and chickens. They have wished they had a cat like my King Louis, who rode around the neighborhood on our necks while we rode bikes. We have laughed at the pranks that I played on my sister and brother. (Like the time I hid my jr. high aged sister's brand new underwear in a sleeping bag and forgot where they were. They resurfaced at our high school brother's slumber party. That also didn't go over well.) Story upon story have built a living history for them of my childhood. They know who I am, partially because they see who I was.

The Psalms challenge me today to build that kind of spiritual history for the little Rileys. Have I told them about the moments when Jesus encouraged me? When was the last time they heard me express my thankfulness to God for His faithfulness? Have I told them about how my Faith in God and belief in the Bible sustained me through our daughter's cancer, when words of encouragement and love of friends/family did nothing to help?

I don't care so much that they know about that silly basset hound with it's floppy ears. I do, however, care that they are able to tell THEIR children that their Grandparents loved Jesus, followed His word and endeavored to share Him with others.

Application
I will speak my faith out loud in my home and in public; with actions and words where necessary.

Prayer
Dear Jesus - please help my life to be one worthy of emulating because I follow you. Help my children and all others who follow my example, see me because of You.

Serenity NOW!

2011-05-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
II Thessalonians 1:6,7 God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you, and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven . . .

Observation
I am really a patient person.

UNLESS I am tired, hungry, hot, irritated or things aren't going my way. Then I'm really impatient! Don't worry. I hide it well. I'm subtle like that.

If you buy THAT then either we haven't met or I was heavily medicated when we did. Given the preference I would like the following things to go my way. All the time.

Weather
My children's behavior
The economic status of our church, our family
Traffic laws (Really I just want to shoot "Stupid driver"
fines at peoples cars attached to suction darts)
Cost of groceries
Stop abuse of children world wide
Eradicate world hunger
Men and women will be able to communicate in the same language

However, obviously, none of those things are under my control. Therefore I get impatient. So, when I hear Paul talking to the church in Thessalonica and he says "He (God) will give you relief when you are troubled" I want to jump up and do the happy dance, literally. The calvary has arrived and all the things that cause me trouble are going to be erased from existence! Well, if Paul would have kept his flipping mouth shut and ended it there I might have stayed happy. But he doesn't. He continues "This will happen when Lord Jesus is revealed from Heaven." WHAT? I seriously have to wait for heaven, the blessed hope, before i can live in peace, comfort and harmony. oi. There went MY happy place.

Then I remember. This is why HE came. To be my comforter, healer, provider and strength NOW, while we aren't in Heaven. My hope is to be with Jesus and my reality is that God IS with me now. I can't wait to meet my saviour face to face, but in the meantime I am so glad that the author of all hope has given me Jesus to guide and walk me through my impatient day. Yes, Kramer, there is serenity now!

Application While I am not always thankful for the trials that I go through I WILL be thankful for the embodiment of hope in Jesus Christ.

Prayer Thank you Jesus for your love. Thank you that even in the middle of struggles you promise me that you will be here for me and that I can rely on you!

My Psalm

2011-05-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Psalm 71

For you have been my hope, sovereign Lord, My confidence since my youth. (3)
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. (14.)
Since my youth, God you have taught. To this day I declare your miraculous deeds. (17.)
Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter, you will restore my life again. (20.)
My lips will shout for you when I sing praises to you. (21.)

My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long (24.)

Observation Sometimes a passage of scripture seems to speak directly to me, like an arrow drawn magnetically to the center of a bullseye. This passage today drew me in and it was as if I had never read it before. My conclusion? This is MY psalm. It is as if it was written just for me. Thank you.

Don't should on me!

2011-05-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
So you must be careful to do everything they (Scribes and Pharisees) tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. Matthew 23:3,4

Observation
My trainer recently told me that in the gym we are not friends. Well, DUH. She doesn't make coffee, offer me pastry or braid my hair; all things FRIENDS do. Well, that last one would be creepy. Anyway, the extent of our relationship is we listen to 80's music and she bosses me around. For the purposes of her anonymity and safety I'll call Cherie "Hell's maiden" or "HM" in this post.

One of HM's tools of torture is a big bar that has a squishy outer layer of foam, lulling me into false hope of it being something huggy like a pillow or a sweet puppy. FALSE. The blasted thing is like the wand of death. First of all, it's heavy. Worse yet, the longer I hold it the heavier it gets. HM likes to lay it on my shoulders while I contort my body into as comfortable grip as I can with a big ass bar crammed up my neck. Once it is properly placed HM thinks I should jump, dance, bend and leap like a gazelle, with the wand of death getting heavier by the nano-second. Not a good plan. It's burdensome and, it might surprise you to know, HM doesn't lift ONE finger to help me as I sweat and struggle through this thing called "exercise".

In Matthew the religious leaders are chastised for similar behavior. Instead of a wand of death they burden the people with laws, man made rules and all sorts of "should" do's instead of focusing on the relationships involved. Then, once weighting them down with the bags of should, they do nothing to help them unload their burdens; the ones they came with or the ones gather from the religious leaders.

This is exactly how Christians should not act! I want my job, as a follower of Jesus to be unburdening my friends, neighbors and community from all the things they should do and focus on following Jesus because they want to, and because He desires their worship. My desire is to be an agent of relationships in my community, with Jesus and others. My worst fear is alienating people because of the religious should I bring into the relationships.

I'm done shoulding on people.

Application
I will focus on unburdening myself and others from their ideas and habits of religion and become an enthusiastic follower of Jesus.

Prayer
Dear Jesus - Thank you for helping me to be excited about following you again. I love you.

Black hat tears

2011-05-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
II Samuel 13:37 But King David mourned many days for his son.

Observation
History has been made. Everybody is celebrating. The bad guy in the proverbial black hat is dead. The world parties but somewhere in the world are people who loved that man. They called him husband, father and friend. There is seldom a death that occurs with unanimous joy. This is no exception.

King David knew what this was like. He too grieved in the midst of a celebrated death.

The violation of a woman is a horrific crime; as personal and horrid as it can be. Even in a culture such as ours where virginity is not as high priced commodity as it used to be nor a mandate for the unmarried. However, the violence of rape is so deep that even current culture decries it as a crime against humanity itself.

Amnon, son of David, raped his half sister, forever ruining her prospects of a future, marriage or family. In retaliation Absalom, also David's son, killed his half brother to avenge his sister's honor. Then fearing for his life he exiled himself from his father's country and family.

II Samuel tells us "the king mourned for many days for his son." My question is "Which one"? Did David mourn for the son that raped his daughter? Certainly his entire household was furious and riled up against Amnon. Perhaps they even said he DESERVED to die. Or did the King mourn for the elder son, the defender, who would no longer share his father's home or sit as his dinner table.

Undoubtedly he mourned both boys whether the rest of the kingdom felt the death and loss were justified or not.

My lesson in this is to realize that every death is a loss, no matter the cause, justification or reason.

Breakable treasures

2011-05-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
II Samuel 11:25 "Don't let this upset you; the sword devours one as well as another.

Observation
1993 found kyle and I registering in a Nordstroms "home" department picking out items for our new home. I fawned over a teapot that was shaped and painted like a tomato while he pretended not to know me. He played samurai with the Ginsu knives and I promptly abandoned him. Good times.

One of the things we picked out that day was some fine china. It is grey, has silver trim and is delicately beautiful, like Kyle. Wait. Never mind. Anyway, I love it. There is something about these pretty dishes that has made me feel special. During some lean financial years I have offered to sell it, because it felt so frivolous and selfish to have expensive dishes that we rarely. However, Kyle wouldn't let me part with them because he knows I enjoy them.

If somebody were to break one of my pieces of china I would TRY to handle it nicely and offer a lame phrase like "No worries! No biggie! No Prob! or Plenty of other fish in the sea", to allay the true emotion of the accident. The true emotion would probably closer to "I'm GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE SO HARD THAT YOUR TEETH ARE GOING TO . .. . HURT!" (I'm not good at this insult thing.) I treasure, value these dishes.

When I view a story on tv about another murder, see a person begging for help on a street corner, hear another abortion story, or hear the update on casualties at the hand of war I wonder at my casual attitude at the loss of human life. I have become so calloused to the value of a person - it's almost as if I would attribute more emotion and feeling to my fine china than to these people or situations of need.

King David, upon receiving confirmation of the death of Uriah, the husband of Bathsheba, showed some of the same callousness. He says to the messenger, "Tell Joab (the commander) don't let this upset you, the sword devours one and then another." He is essentially telling Joab "No worries! No biggie! No Prob! or Plenty of other fish in the sea. It's just another person, another life lost, another warrior died." David blew off because he was complicit in the death, having ordered it himself. He needed it downplayed so that his guilt wouldn't surface in the situation.

So, what's my excuse. Why do I act as if I value things more than people? I need to fix that.

Application
I will reconsider how I value people and treat them as a treasure.

Prayer
Dear God - help me to realize that I am of great value to you and to show appreciation and recognition of that by valuing others.

3rd Length of Grace

2011-05-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
II Samuel 8:2 David also defeated the Moabites. He made them lie down on the ground and measured them off with a length of cord. Every two lengths of them were put to death, and the third length was allowed to live. The Moabites became subject to him and brought him tribute.

Observation
All enemies deserve punishment, and in times of war, death. This is the standard that King David set for the enemies of God's armies. However, tucked into the passages filled with war, combat and conquest I find this little nugget of grace.

Can you imagine? Put yourself there lying on the ground. Hot, sweaty, exhausted, dirty, thirsty, and completely unaware of those matters because the overwhelming fear of your inevitable death has swallowed your heart. Your family flashes through your mind. You wish you could have died in battle instead of laying vulnerable on the ground waiting for death like a coward. Should you run? Would it be more honorable to kill yourself now, rather than allow your enemy the privilege. You hear the dissonant sounds of shouts of victory and the cries of death, rising from the line of fellow soldiers that lay beside you. Closer. Closer. Closer. The ones wielding the swords are getting closer. Wait. What are they doing? Measuring the ground? What? They are now so close that you can smell them, and they are blocking out the viscious sun. You are staring into the enemies eyes. It is time. The two to your right are killed with quick movements of the sword. Death has come to you. Then it passes. The two soldiers to your left are killed. You are left laying there, drenched in fear and sweat. They move on down the line repeating the pattern; kill two, save one. Kill two, save one.

You have become a beneficiary of the 3rd length of grace. Why? Random luck? Divine intervention? Predestined? The "why" all the sudden doesn't matter because now your family will get to see you (you hope) and you will have a future. Can you dare to hope for that? Only time will tell. But for now, you breathe deep.

I too, like this soldier am a beneficiary of the 3rd length of grace. God loves me, and I am no better than the ones to my right or my left, but in His grace He has given me hope of a future because I know Him, and trust him.

Words fail me.

Application
I will never forget your grace in my life.

Prayer
Thank you. I am at your service.

It's Juno

2011-05-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Psalms 68:5,6 A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, God sets the lonely in families.

Observation
My family is screwed up, messed up or, to steal a quote from Juno, "tore up from the floor up". There are some redeeming pieces, or bright spots, here and there, but overall it's pretty crazy. I have been abandoned, adopted, abandoned again, readopted, abused, neglected, rejected and ignored. In spite of the mess I find that I have been left wanting, but never without.

I want a family. A nuclear family. A family of my own. Not my husband's family, a foster family, or an adopted family. When I focus on what I want but don't have I realize there is great loneliness. The hardest thing to remember, while traveling the bumpy road of lonely, is that it inevitably leads to Pity Party Palace. While standing in the palace courtyard it is easy to forget one major detail. I forget that I have never been left without. God in His graciousness has always allowed me to be "placed" in families. When I remember this, all of the sudden,out of the inevitable ashes and scattered mess of my pity party arises a sea of faces and families. I see my church families; Parkhill, Laurel, Assemblies of God, Navigate, Covenant etc. There are the families of friends who have "adopted" me and mine. And I am forever grateful that my husband's family has always welcomed me as "theirs". Remarkable.

Today God's word rings true. "He places the lonely in families".

Perspective changes my party of one to a celebration of many.

Application
I will celebrate and recognize those things that God has done for me, rather than complaining about what I do not have. I am blessed.

Prayer
All I can say is "Thank you" for seeing me when nobody else did and placing me in families.

What motivates Jill; The most important blog ever

2011-04-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Matthew 15:3 And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition.

Observation
The world is full of opinions. They are like toenails . . . everybody has them but not everybody should share them in public. Bad example. Moving on. We have opinions about clothes, music, other people, and, without exception, everybody has opinions about religious and faith practices. Even people who are apathetic about faith have opinions and reasons as to WHY they are opinionless about it! In faith, as in life, our opinions drive our actions. Actions, when repeated over and over become traditions. Pay attention here ... eventually, if not re-evaluated occasionally, our traditions become more important than the decisions about faith that got us there!

I was reminded of this phenomenon today while reading Matthew 15. Jesus, when talking to the teachers and leaders, He is asked "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?" The question the leaders were asking was simple. It was about the tradition, the man made rule, of washing before eating. Jesus confronts them about the priority of their rules over following God's laws.

So, how do we know which is tradition and what is actually God's laws. Let's talk about today's issue. What about alcohol, homosexuality, living together, tattoos, piercings, abortion, proper attire for church, which version of the Bible is accurate, infertility treatment, plastic surgery and ... and ... and ...

I find myself at 38.5 (and proud to be so) asking myself questions about these issues and MORE every day. Sometimes I wonder if my faith traditions, or beliefs, are actually God's laws or just . . .habits. So, to avoid confusion I have come back to the Word of God with a greater passion than I have had for years. This time I am pursueing God different. I am digging to KNOW this time; to know Jesus. to know His habits. to KNOW how to follow Him in a way that pleases Him.

As I dig I find myself molting, shedding layers of tradition and habit that have kept me secure but also kept me from becoming the passionate woman of faith that I want to be.

This is why I blog. This is why I journal. This is why Divine Mentor (READ IT) inspired me to create a tradition of drinking in the Word. I'm a sponge, soaking it all in. Just don't call me Bob.

This is the only tradition I want to be known for, it is to be a learner, absorbing God's word and living what I learn.

Are you DAFT?

2011-04-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Matthew 11:3 Are you the who is to come, or should we expect someone else?

Observation
I live in Montana where ethnic diversity is not exactly prominent. Additionally, I was raised in North Idaho in the 80's when all the white supremacists and skin heads made it their headquarters. I guess I have been destined to stand out like a yellow patch on white snow.

However, being unique can have its benefits! Often, when preparing to meet somebody new I don't have to give long descriptions of myself so they can identify me. I will just say "I'm the short, round Korean chick". Done. No further explanation needed.

Have you ever played the game where, after talking to somebody on the phone you conjure up an image of what they look like? I'm sure John the Baptist, in preparing for and predicting the coming of the Messiah did something similar. What would He look like? What would He act like?

Lucky for him, John was one of the first people to see and RECOGNIZE Jesus as Messiah. He baptized Jesus and heard the voice of the Father saying "This is MY SON"! And yet, here in Matthew 11, we find John sitting in prison, sending word asking for one more confirmation. "Are you (REALLY)the one who is to come or should we expect someone else?" Really John? You saw the dove. You heard the voice. You've seen the miracles. You've heard the stories. Are you DAFT? Of COURSE it's Jesus!

And suddenly, in my spirit, as I type that, I hear John saying "Jill, are you DAFT? You've heard Jesus' voice, read His words, seen His miracles and yet some days you still act as if you had not yet met Jesus and are still looking for the Savior/Messiah!"

Ouch. So true. Lesson heard. Thank you John for reminding me of that.

Application
I will live my life, especially in the beautiful shadow of Easter, as one who has met the Messiah, Jesus, the Risen Savior.

Prayer
Jesus. Thank you for making yourself know to me in ways that are real and tangible. I will live out the Easter message by sharing you with others.

Annointing Value

2011-04-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
As surely as I valued your life today, so may the Lord value my life and deliver me from all trouble. I. Samuel 27:24

Observation

There was the pastor that I used to page using the "escort service" phone number, just to laugh at his embarrassment when he called the number.
I placed a college basketball SHORT SHORTS picture on the overhead projector (remember those?) during a service for one pastor. Oh, and I believe I took that pastor's sermon notes out of Bible and "moved" them before service one day . . . just to cause a little panic.
What about the pastor that, when needing a second job, I told him I was going to be bar tending at night.
Once I made a "campaign fundraiser" catalog for my pastor, when he was nominated for elected position, complete with logo boxer shorts for sale.
A fun joke on another hopelessly color blind pastor, was to tell him that his socks were terribly mismatched from his suit, just for the fun of watching him race home to the parsonage and change.

I know. I have an odd way of showing respect and appreciation for my spiritual leaders and those placed in authority over me. Jokes not withstanding. I have been deeply blessed to serve with great leaders. During a life of leadership I have never been left wanting for great examples of faith and character. Not a one of them has gone out of their way to hurt me, malign my character or disparage my reputation. I can't imagine the sense of betrayal or lose of respect that kind of behavior would foster in me.

Today I look at David. Saul, a man who had committed to be like a father to him, not only emotionally betrayed him but was out to take his very life from him. The distrust would run deep after promise after promise was broken. Additionally, repentance was offered several times and then rescinded. What a difficult leader to follow! However, David respected this man as the Lord's anointed and refused, even when circumstances would say otherwise, to disrespect this man. You see David didn't look at Saul as his enemy but as a flawed leader, called by God, worthy of respect. In our life we have tried hard to respect our pastors and leaders, failing plenty, but always trying to plant seeds of loyalty and faithfulness. I can only hope to receive that same kind of graciousness from those I lead.

Application

I will be faithful to honor and respect those chosen to lead me.

Prayer

Lord, thank you for giving me amazing leaders and pastors. Help me, even in times of frustration to honor them as your anointed ones, yet giving them the grace to fail, as you give me.

My Crayola Aisle

2011-04-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
And Saul's son Jonathan went to David and helped him find strength in God. I Samuel 23:16

Observation
I have been blessed with friends. Lots of friends. They come in all shapes, colors, smells and sizes, just like a well stocked Crayola aisle. There are crafty friends, sporty friends and outdoorsy friends. Friends with cameras, horses, lots of books, and knitting needles. Yes. Knitting needles. What's your point? (HA) There are nascar fans, baseball fans and asian fans. (Get it? I crack me up.)

Buried underneath all the skills and talents of my friends are some harder to find qualities. There are some who possess the quality that Jonathan shared with David, a spiritual depth and the ability to share it with others. David needed a friend badly on that day and Jonathan was at the ready. Ready to remind him that God had not abandoned him even though his life seemed hopelessly in danger.

I lose my way sometimes, especially when I am under stress or feeling vulnerable. My words turn to "I" a lot and I forget to focus on other people. Unconsciously I wander away from my Jesus and lose track of thankfulness. It happens to everybody I think. But lucky is the person who has friends like mine, like Jonathan, who help them find strength in God.

Thanks friends. You know who you are. Thanks for leading me back to Jesus, one step at a time.

Application
I will be thankful for my friends. I will also make an effort to be that friend to others when they need it.

Prayer
Lord, help me be spiritually sensitive to others around me. Give me wisdom to know when my friends and neighbors have lost their way and just need to be encouraged and "led" back to you.

Thank you for my friends. I am grateful. Deeply.

Silent words

2011-04-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and sees those crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

Observation
My children mumble. They hide their brilliance and insight in globs of non-sensible words buried underneath their tongues. The mumbling children roll their cottony words around their jowls like gobstoppers until they are barfed out when they hear their mother scream "SPEAK UP or SPEAK CLEARLY". Which, incidentally, is usually followed by a, "What's the matter with you? and Can't you TALK". I passionately hate mumbling. It makes me crazy(er). But. I hate silence more.

Sometimes God is silent and while I'll affirm the fact that He has the right to be silent when He wants to, it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. To add insult to silence injury God seems the quietest when I need Him the most. His voice, comfort or instruction are the most intangible at the most inopportune moments. Am I the only one who feels that way?

There have been moments in my life when I have been sure that my conversations with God were doing as much good as throwing my words into an oblivious wind (not to be confused with pissing into the wind, which is, naturally, a very very bad idea). I feel my words echo off great chasms of emptiness and stillness. And when I feel like God is not listening I am lonely - the bone shivering kind of lonely. I feel abandoned and afraid. Whatever pain, hurt or struggle I might have been willing to give to Jesus I now hold tight to my chest, like a blanket, desperate for some kind of comfort.

Why is God silent sometimes? I don't know. It confuses me. I am always sure there is some deep intrinsic life lesson that I am supposed to learn in those still moments but I am daft. I am like the chilld crying in the department store for their mother, wondering WHY she she has left me, feeling deeply betrayed, only to discover that I got distracted and wandered away. She is still where I left her.

This Psalms says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and to those who are crushed in spirit. THOSE are the moments I feel the silence of God, and not in a good way. The brokenhearted, desperate moments. The "I think I'll die unless I hear, see or feel God again in the next 10 seconds" times.

However, right here in black and white is a promise. The LORD, my JESUS, is near me when I'm crushed and broken hearted. I need to remember this promise because I can take that to the bank and spend it in my moment of need. It's a promise, a guarantee from my Jesus.

Application
I will remember that the Lord hears and loves me every day, whether I hear Him or not. I will also make an effort to stay close to Jesus, so that when He calls my name I am right there to hear the words as they fall from His lips.

Prayer
Dear Jesus - Thank you for the reassurance that you are near us when we are broken and crushed. Thank you that not only are you WITH us but that you comfort us, unto restoration, in those moments.

Hidden Treasure

2011-04-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. II. Corinthians 12:10

Observation
I work out, infrequently. When I do it is painfully obvious to me how weak I am. My muscles aren't used to being stretched and abused. I think it's torture without enough results. "Feel the burn" does not inspire me and the jiggle on my thighs is enough to make a jello jiggler jealous (Say that fast ten times). But enough about my muscular build. When it comes to my spiritual weaknesses I truly don't desire to work them out in public, like in a gym, with mirrors 360 degrees around me. I want to keep my spiritual flaws things hidden. Camouflage seems like the best option. However, weaknesses have a way of making themselves known, like light up easter eggs hidden in short grass.

What if I viewed my weaknesses more like treasures to be searched out, discovered, cherished and put on display? Perhaps I could consider them as opportunities for growth and strength. IF I could manage to do that how would I view my weaknesses differently than I do today?

IF I could do that, then I could truly say "When I am weak, I am strong" and mean it. I would view my weaknesses as my potential strength, because those weaknesses show God in me!

Application
I will (try) to identify weaknesses today that would be better viewed as strengths.

Prayer
Lord, help me see you in my weaknesses, glorified in them.

Measuring up

2011-04-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. II Corinthians 10:12

Observation
First of all. . . let's talk about grammar wisdom. REALLY PAUL?! I think using the same word in 2 sentences 5 times is not only over kill but entirely too confusing for the brain impaired amongst us. You had me at the first "themselves" Paul. I get it. Sheesh.

BUT, grammar notwithstanding, the message was clear to me in this passage. Don't measure who you are in the mirror. If I look at me in the mirror, without any comparative value, I look AWESOME. My skin looks clear, my curves are appealing and even the cellulite is somehow endearing. However, if say, Halle Berry, Carrie Underwood, Jessica Alba or JLo happens to be reflected in the same mirror all the sudden I think my flaws would look much more OBVIOUS. My cellulite is far from flattering, my skinny is pitted and saggy, my teeth are yellow, my butt . . . never mind. You get the picture.

Similarly, if I don't compare myself against perfection, Jesus, I may look wonderful. I mean, I'm following Jesus, I love my family, I bathe everyday (is that a spiritual issue), I read my Bible, I tithe etc. However, when my Jesus is reflected back at me in the mirror I see my flawed sinful self. It's not a pretty image.

The amazing thing is that person - the one with all the failures, flaws and heart that wanders away from Jesus frequently - is the one that God loves. I am loved in spite of it all.

Application
I will use the right standard of measure and not "commend myself" for my spiritual accomplishments.

Prayer
Jesus. When I see you and I in the same reflection in the mirror I am appalled at how I look. But I thank you that you love me. I thank you that you continue to challenge me to grow closer to you. I see my worth as being so little and I wonder, when you were thinking of me during those dark hours on Golgotha whether or not you wondered if I was really worth the immense sacrifice. I am deeply grateful that you died for me in obedience to your father, for the forgiveness of my sins. Therefore I will strive to honor you with my life.

Chronic Overshare

2011-04-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Psalm 66:16 Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.

Observation
Have you ever met a person who is willing to tell you EVERYTHING about their day and life? You know, the person in the grocery line that tells you the cereal you just bought gave them the runs last week? How about the guy who tells you their underwear is "binding"? Remember the gal at work that told you the details of her love life and why her boyfriends new nickname was (you fill in the blank)? Or your parents telling the breakfast table about the wonders of the newly discovered Viagra? These are the people that we call "chronic oversharers". We frequently tell these yappy friends, "TMI!", hoping they will catch the flippin' hint to SHUT UP! Unfortunately, oversharers typically have no boundaries, miss (many) social cues and generally think all information is good for public consumption.

I suspect I might be one of "them". ONLY some days. But I have a good excuse. I have a lot of words, maybe even more than the average person does. So, it is necessary for me to use them on SOMETHING, right? You wouldn't want me to be verbally constipated would you? Thanks for understanding. I knew you would. Oh, speaking of constipation. . . the other day when i went . . . never mind.

My point is this. The psalmist invites his listeners to "come and hear" and "Let me tell you what he has done for me". These little phrases remind me to celebrate what God has done for me, with my words! God has been so good to me and yet I find myself filling the airspace with information that may not matter and certainly won't be as encouraging as hearing the faith-filled story of how God has worked in my life. I need to talk more, about Jesus.

Application
"Come and hear" my friends. I will tell you more often of how God has touched me and worked in my life.

Prayer
Dear Jesus - my heart overflows with thanksgiving as I think of all the blessings you have giving me. Through your grace not only have you redeemed me but you have blessed me beyond comprehension with family, provision, friends, and a life that I never dreamed I would get to lead. I love you. I thank you. I am forever grateful.

Enough for Today

2011-04-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
II Corinthians 4:16,18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.

Observation
"outwardly we are wasting away". Really?

Tonight I was sitting talking to a friend, enjoying a "girl chat". All of the sudden the elastic band from my yoga/workout pants decided it didn't want to work anymore. Slowly it began to roll down, over my chubby belly, gaining speed on it's way down. It stopped rolling just slightly above my lap creating a beautiful muffin top. The belly squeezing over the top of the elastic like toothpaste rolling out of a stepped on tube. I think the pants only stopped at my lap because I was sitting. Had I have been standing I can only presume the elastic and lycra would have kept right on rolling, right out the door, defecting, like underpaid workers on strike. I can just hear the little elastic fibers scolding me on the way out the door, "You have worked us beyond our capacity for too long so we QUIT!"

My point? I am NOT "wasting away"! I have ample body to prove it. However Paul, the author of Corinthians, knew what Dr. OZ and Jillian Michaels seem to refuse to acknowledge; our bodies do age and decompose, WHILE WE ARE STILL USING THEM! Facts are facts. We aren't going to use them forever.

But Paul gave me hope today. I am being renewed day by day . .. every day! What do I care if there is finality to my flesh? I get to be renewed/restored daily INTERNALLY. In my soul. So if I focus ("fix my eye") on what is not seen, my relationship with Jesus, instead of what IS seen, my weight, money situation, children etc., then God promises to renew me. Daily. Like manna to the starving israelites in the wilderness.

What do I care if I have muffin top? I am being renewed. I love that.

Application
I will focus on what is unseen, my relationship with Jesus. I will rejoice that my Father is renewing me every day.

Prayer
Jesus, help me to invest my time in focusing on the details of who you are and your word, rather than on what I am and what I am NOT. Thank you that you are renewing me daily. I feel it. I know it. I am grateful for it.

Hey! You STINK!

2011-04-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
II Cor. 2:14-16 Thanks be to God, who ...uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life.

Observation
I love smells. My flat little asian nose is quite useful and handy. Recently I was introduced to Jasmine Green tea. I lOVE it. The fragrant of the jasmine is so soothing and blends wonderfully for me into a beautiful tea. Yesterday I was browsing a tea cart and came across some loose leaf Jasmine tea. The selling point for me was the big label on the canister that said "aromatic". The label might as well have been flashing with neon lights. If the label promises me that it is going to smell terrific than, by all means, hit the fast forward button to "SOLD"! One little word "aromatic" promises that I will enjoy an awesome cuppa soon.

Paul tells me today that I too an "aromatic". I tell my husband that I always smell like potpourri but I don't think Paul was concerned about my body odors. Paul says we carry with us the "aroma of the knowledge of him". What does THAT smell like? Well it smells to some like death and like life to others.

When I was in Junior High we visited a beautiful garden in Vancouver called the Buchart Gardens. It was glorious! Beautiful. Fragrant. The air sang with sounds of bees, birds and running water. Everything about it was "the aroma of life".

In contrast, several years later, I was invited on a missions trip. One part of our trip had open running sewers in the streets. The air hung heavy with crying children, rabid dogs packs and sounds of horns in nearby more affluent areas. The smell was disease and death. It was not rank and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I know there are worse smells, like the actual smell of decomposing flesh, however this is the most accurate comparison I have!

What can I do to change how I smell? I cant' do anything. I am not like the packs of 13 year old boys who think adding more ax body spray will somehow improve my odiferous self. No, my aroma comes from God. Ultimately, I am not in control of how it is received, only in what I am.

The Holy Spirit changes lives, changes us, so that the aroma we "give off" is RECEIVED as one of life.

Application
I will be conscious of my "aroma of the knowledge of Him" and the power that it carries.

Prayer
Lord, your word is fragrant, life giving and powerful to me. I want that every person I encounter have the opportunity to "smell" you like I have. Help my life to be one that others want to emulate, so that they too can enjoy your beauty.

The press can lie

2011-03-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
This is the fate of those who trust in themselves, and of their followers, who approve their sayings. They are like sheep and are destined to die; death will be their shepherd. Psalms 49:13

Observation
Being sure of oneself is admirable. Trusting what other people say about you another thing. Making decisions based solely on either can be dangerous.

Humanity is flawed. We have an insatiable need to be approved of and liked. We know that we should beat this tendency down into submission, but truthfully we treat it like the last hidden box of girl scout cookies! We treasure our right to nurture our egos. Our displaced need for approval can come out of hiding so very quickly, tempting us like dieters with a box of thin mints in plain sight. One of the quickest way to get and gain approval and ego stroking is by finding our feeding off of what other people say about us. This is called "Believing the press about yourself" and never leads to good things.

If somebody tells me I'm the best preacher in the world I may KNOW that they are either a.) sadly uncirculated in preacher circles b.) overusing their newly minted medical marijuana card or c.) All of the above. As long as I keep their OPINION in that realm I'm ok. However, the minute I begin to make major decisions based on their opinion, forsaking my own sense of self or, more importantly ignoring the voice of God, then I'm in dire straits.

The psalmist recognized this and commands us to not trust in ourselves OR our followers otherwise we are like sheep! Followers!

Application
My self esteem and decisions will be based out of a true relationship with you. I will trust neither myself nor the words of those who praise me, as a source of complete wisdom or decision making.

Prayer
Lord, your voice is the one that matters. Help me to hear it clearly and rely on you as my source of life and wisdom.

Pardon me, Lord

2011-03-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
"Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied,"but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?"

Observation
Let me set the stage. The land, the beautiful PROMISED land, has been over run by enemies. The Bible said the enemy ruined all the crops, did not spare any living thing, came up with families, livestock and tents SO MANY that they couldn't even be counted. It is a desperate situation for Gideon and the chosen people. The people cry out to God asking WHY. Their groaning and agony is palpable as I read through this story. It is the cry of regret and desperation, the last cry before giving up, that I hear. In the midst of this rises a mighty warrior, Gideon.

We greet Gideon as he is meeting an angel of the Lord. The angel has just told Gideon GREAT news, the Lord is with him. And Gideon gives this "pardon me" question.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this. I have never really been know to be delicate of speech or nature, but SERIOUSLY? If my land, family and livelihood were all in ruins and some glowy guys says to me "God is with you" I'm afraid my response wouldn't be "pardon me". It might be something along the lines of "WTF?" It just seems like such a cultured, delicate reply to a brutal situation.

So, what do I do when faced with a situation that looks desperate and God reassures me that "all is well"? Do I laugh and doubt? Do I hear and find peace? Shouldn't GOd's voice be enough to calm the storms of my worries and doubts?

When the children were small, and to this day, we often correct them on their "tone of voice". A defiantly asked question or haughty attitude will not gain them our hearing or respect. However, if a question is posed to us and we find the humbleness of heart showing through the words we are certainly more apt to listen. I believe Gideon had the right heart. He was asking for explanation. His tone suggests he is asking in respect and for more information, not wielding an attitude of defiance and anger.

Now that's great character.

Application
I will make my heart one of submissive gratitude to God; a heart that can listen.

Prayer
Lord. I trust you. Help me to remember that you are faithful in all circumstances and worthy of my faith and trust.

Fully known

2011-03-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. I Corinthians 13:12

Observation
Think about it. Is it good to be fully known? There are parts of my life that are ugly, mean and downright stinky so I'm not sure I want to be "fully known". What I wonder is WHY does God really want to know all of me?

Recently I got to see a friends gorgeous home that she and her husband remodeled. They had purchased a little cracker box of a run down house in Portland, OR and over the past four years have invested countless hours, dollars and lots of blood, sweat and tears, into making this shack into a thing of beauty. BEAUTY it is. The house exudes modern architecture and creative mixing of woods and metals. The color palate is yummy and inviting. It is a lovely oasis. However, I appreciate this little home's loveliness and personality so much more because I got to see it "in process"; while the cabinets were in boxes, the original broken/mismatched carpets and tiles were still there and where the studs were exposed. One of the greatest joys of touring this home is seeing the joy my friends had in sharing it with me, describing the before and after transformation in great detail.

Why does God want to know all of me? It just doesn't make sense; except for this one fact. Maybe he feels a little like my friends, Brian and Kari. He is proud of His creation! He loves me and wants to see the fullness of whom I am, blossoming into His grace over the years. He too loves to see the transformation.

Additionally, he wants ME to know and see what changes have been wrought in my life over the years. Fully known so that we can celebrate the changes. I'll go with that.

Application
I will challenge myself to live vulnerably with God so that he can fully know me..

Prayer
Lord. I want you to know me fully. I want to be formed by your Word and your Spirit. I hold nothing back from you - I am all yours to use.

Perceptions can Kill

2011-03-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Joshua 22:22 The Mighty One, God, he Lord! The Mighty One, God, the Lord! He knows!

Joshua 22:34 And the Reubenites and the Gadites gave the altar this name: A Witness Between Us - that the Lord is God

Observation
Perceptions almost killed my friend named named Joshua today. Well, not TODAY . . . I was reading about it today. Here's what happened.

The war is over. The Israelites have conquered all their enemies and a time of peace is at hand. To celebrate one brother and his family, the Reubenites, in good faith and with great intentions, built an "imposing" altar by the Jordan river. Never in their wildest dreams would they have imagined that the all the rest of the tribes/families of Israel would take offense at this homage to the Lord God. And, adding insult to injury the tribes didn't even bother to ASK their kinsman, their FAMILY, what the altar was for. They ust assumed the worst, that it was an idoltarous act against the Lord God and assembled armies to anihilate the entire tribe of Reuben because of their perceived act of rebellion.

Recap:
1. This is a family
2. Who assumed the worst of their kinsman
3. Failed to communicate their grievance/concern
4. Made plans, based on their assumptions, to kill the entire tribe

Talk about an OWIE. This is fodder for YEARS of bad family relations.

If I put myself in Reuben's shoes, faced with the armies of his brothers, I feel betrayed, angry and extraordinarily PISSED OFF! However, the Bible shows us no indication that Reuben is angry, only humbled and submissive. Upon confrontation Reuben says "the Lord knows" and explains their actions even though he didn't have to. They had built the altar for God they ALL served, not for idols. And even though Reuben had nothing to hide explains himself? Why? He has nothing to hide. But he does and the end result is reconciliation and understanding.

To celebrate the peace the tribes dedicate the altar as "a witness between them - that the Lord is God".

Application
Relationships are hard work and family, especially, can hurt us deeply. When confronted with an incorrect or hurtful assumption what do I do? Get defensive and angry or am I humbled and open?

I don't even have armies plotting against me and my brother loves me, yet sometimes I find myself in menial skirmishes ready to fight rather than let the Lord be my defender. "The Lord knows" should be my humble, not arrogant response. Can you do that?

Prayer
Lord, you are my defender and I will rely on you. Help my actions be worthy of your defense.

A Platter of Conviction

2011-03-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

Scripture
Joshua 14:7
And I brought him back a report according to my convictions, but my fellow Israelites who went up with me made the hearts of the people melt in fear. I, however, followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly.

Observation
I have never seen a giant. When you say "giant" the visual in my mind is Yao Ming and the huge Knights who say "Nee" from the Search for the Holy Grail. So, effectively, I have never really seen giants in my land. Caleb and his fellow spies saw giants! Real ones. But while the other spies saw obstacles Caleb saw them as nothing more than opportunities for God to show His power and fulfill his promises. Those giants were as real and visceral, flesh and blood, as any problem could ever be. So, why didn't Caleb shrink back from them?

You see, the scripture says Caleb brought back the report "according to my convictions"! The conviction were not something that Caleb picked up in the promise land, along with some postcards for the kids, huge grapes, and his souvenir shot glasses! Caleb packed his convictions INTO the promise land and, more importantly, did not leave them there! This man of faith brought back his report of the promise land and served them up on a platter of conviction to Moses.

Caleb's conviction was that God had promised and never failed to deliver on his promise!

Application:
Today I will remember the promises that God has given and trust that he will fulfill them!

Prayer:
Father. Today my giants threaten to ruin the beautiful promises that you have given me. Help me to trust your plan for my future and not be intimidated by the obstacles and hurdles in my way. Your ways are not my ways and I will trust in you.

Eyes that REALLY see

2011-03-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
The Israelites sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord. Joshua 9:14

Observation
Gibeon's leaders were smart. They were well thought out and prepared their deception of the Israelites, the Lord's people, with great skill and cuning. They worked hard to deceive and they were successful in their ruse.

When presented with the moldy bread, old sandles and travel worn clothes they saw . . . moldy bread, old sandles and travel worn clothes. But what might they have seen if they had "inquired of the Lord"? Their visual would not have changed but their perception certainly would have.Discernment is the result of inquiring of the Lord but so often we rely on our what our eyes tell us rather than what God speaks to our hearts.

My mother used to say, "Trust none of what you hear and only half of what you see". I think Josh learned a good lesson that day. He learned not to trust his eyes. I can learn from that.

Application
I must inquire of the Lord of everything,instead of relying on my own "sight".

Prayer
Lord. Let my heart have discerning of the situations around me because I have inquired of you. Help me to rely not on my own instincts and my own weak wisdom. Teach me to rely on you in every situation.

The choicest dish

2011-03-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Afterward, Joshua read all the words of the law - the blessings and the curses - just as it is written in the book of the law. Josuha 8:34

Observation
I love the movie "The Joy Luck Club" (Go ahead, insert asian joke on Jill's behalf HERE) One of the scenes that sticks out in my brain and one that rings true in Asian society is the idea of the "choisest" bits of food or the "choisest" dish. In the Joy Luck Club the hosting mama would insult her very best dish even though she knows it is wonderful. In an effort to help the big white boyfriend thinks he'll help mama feel better about her cooking and pours Soy Sauce all over it so mama won't fret, thus destroying the dish. Recently a Korean man was explaining how meals worked in his traditional house and he said that if his chopsticks even pointed towards a bit of meat or a choice dish, his father would not touch it until his son was done eating. Only after father knew son was satisfied would he engage his own hungry stomach.

Often times I think I approach scripture with this mentality; the "choisest dish" mentality. I want only the best, not only for myself, but also for my church. I want to chose out all the blessings. I love the affirmations and the stories of triumph and success. I want to share those because I think they are the "choisest" bits for us.

However, when Joshua stands up in front of his people who have just experienced success and failure, back to back, I wonder why he choses to read ALL the words of the law, the blessings AND the cursings. How is THAT inspiring Josh? Then my answer . . . "just as it is written".

He read the law in it's entirety because it is not the same without both sides of the loving
God. How dare we accept and invite only the God that seems good in our own eyes and ignore the God of justice and mercy that often has to punish, withhold and reprimand those who do not follow the law.

I don't want to choose just the blessings. It gives me an incomplete picture of the God I love.

Application
I want to see, read and tell about the whole God and the whole Bible.

Lord, help me to see the blessings and the cursings, the just and the unjust, the sinful and the redeemed. Your story in its entirety; without unneedful editing my me.
Prayer
Lord, the Lord Almighty, may those who hope in you not be disgraced becvause of me. Ps. 69:6

Foundation of Consistency

2011-03-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. I Cor. 3:10

Observation
Sometimes I forget that I am working from a pre-built foundation! I work so hard at the foundation and the "Building up" of that church. Today I turn around and VOILA a foundation has already been built - only I wasn't aware of it! I really need to be more observant.

I don't have to excavate and dig the hole. I don't have to measure the footings for this church of ours. I only have to build on what is already there! The structure, format and design has already been decided. I don't need to sweat all of THOSE details. I just need to know that there is no better designer or builder of the Church than the one that built our church's foundation. So clarifying and what a a relief. All the sudden I feel like my job is just to stand ready and invite people into this Church.

God is my/our foundation and he has given me a blueprint just like he gave Noah the blueprint for the ark. Somedays I insist on modifying and restructuring. I try and "tweak" things my way just a bit. I am determined to learn from this though, because EVERYTIME I do this,without fail, I have to take down what I built because it was incomplete, poorly done or not even in the original design. If only I followed that blueprint.

Application
I need to rest in the knowledge that this is God's church and HE alone has the master plans for building it. Rest, trust and learn. Those are my jobs because He already paid the bill for the rest of the work that needs to be done and in spite of my mistakes it will still come about in the way that HE wants, with or without me.

Prayer
Lord, I trust you. I will follow your plans. This is your church and I am your servant.

Resting Faith

2011-03-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words but with a demonstration of the spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom but on God's power. I Cor. 2:4,5

Observation
I'm a wordy. I love big words, combinations of words, learning new words and exploring the roots of words. I detest typos and I abhor mis-used forms of words (their vs. they're, to vs. too etc. etc.) One of the things I love to do is teach people how to craft their words in systems and ways that will help communicate their message clearly and memorably.

In this letter to the church of Corinth Paul says HIS teaching was not about "wise and persuasive words"! WHAT? He was an apostle, the greatest of the teachers, the master letter writer and communicator. His teaching was NOT about words? If I only knew Paul's story and not his passion the next part would shock me; "but with a demonstration of the spirit's power"! YES! That Holy Spirit thing. Can't forget that. I get it. I teach that. I think?

The next part of the sentence messed me up. "So that your faith might ...rest on God' power". Faith at rest? Faith should be action packed and progressive, not faith RESTING? Suddenly I think Paul had too much sugar on his fruit loops that morning. Faith resting - who ever heard of such a thing. But on the outside chance Paul isn't a fruit loop, I began to wonder, "What IS faith resting on the God's power". So I begin to imagine my precious fragile faith as an infant, resting on God's power.

My nephew was jaundiced when he was born and his mommy would put him in a warm sun spot to soak up the healing rays. He was wrapped and snuggled up in soft blankets, with a full tummy and dry diaper, just soaking up the sun. There was never a better picture of "rest" than this baby; warm, fed, loved, and content.

My faith is that in God's power. Resting. It is as secure and as safe as an infant in it mother's arms. I dig that.

Application
Words are great, essential but they are not EVERYTHING. The power of the Holy Spirit keeps us from relying on ourselves and our grand words and returns the focus to God, where we rest our faith on God's power. It is secure there. Safe.

Prayer
Lord. Help me to trust you and to rely on you. You are safe. You are secure. You are worthy of praise and I love you.

Make my words yours, not mine and let your Holy Spirit be evident to all who meet me. Give me great grace, great forgiveness and great mercy today as I submit myself to your will and to YOUR Word. Amen.

A posture of grateful desperation

2011-03-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Psalms 40:12,13 For troubles wihtout number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see...my heart fails within me. Be pleased to save me, Lord; come quickly, Lord, to help me.

Observation
The heart of David, the man after God's own heart, recognizes that he is weak. He sees that God is a necessity in his life and not just an accessory for daily living. The desperation in his voice is echoing through my mind and finds a reflection in the mirror of my own soul. I am flawed. So flawed and every day my sins threaten to drown me. I forget that I have but to cry out and God will answer. He will rescue me and give me what I need.

As David says, he IS my help, my deliver.

Application
May my everyday posture be one of grateful desperation.

Prayer
Lord, you are my help and my deliverer. Every day I think I am drowning in my flawed, human and exceedingly frail being. Help me. Help me Savior to call out to you in grateful desperation, know that I am being rescued. Lovingly and immediately.

In the time of prosperity

2011-03-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Scripture:
Deuteronomy 28:47 Because you did not serve the Lord joyfully and gladly in the time of prosperity ...you will serve the enemies the Lord sends against you.

Observation
So often we forget to worship and serve God in the middle of prosperity, calling out to him only when desperate and wounded. However we fail to see what blessings have already been put around us. Neither of these, a desperate or blind heart, is God's desire for us. He desires us to call out to him in prosperity, knowing that it is not enough without Him AND to see what gifts He has placed around us.Open your eyes and see the land of prosperity and serve him joyfully, gladly and gratefully.

Application
Today I will be gratefully. Instead of wanting more I will serve the Lord and thank him for the prosperity I have already received.

Prayer
Lord, help me to be thankful every day. For everything. Remind me of the blessings in my life, even the things I cannot see. Help me to lead others into a lifestyle that honors you.